The Red Butterfly.. -=come see me fly=-

2006-01-25T08:57:00.000-08:00

Claire, kinda random ung pagtype ko ng paragraphs. Pag walang year, it means present un. Intersperse these sa report wherever u deem them necessary. Mwah.

When the Japanese took over from 1942 to 1945, every media program had to have the elements of praise and support for the ruling power and its emperor. (from “Malaysia,” Dynamics of Nation Building by Vincent Lowe)

Malaysians were given a new dose of new programs which focused on physical exercises and learning the Japanese language

Prior censorship continued to be strictly enforced and tuning in to outside broadcasts, especially those coming from the BBC, was tantamount to a death penalty

After the war, most of the media activities centered on rehabilitating the country and preparing it for self-rule.

In 1948, broadcasting and print facilities introduced earlier by the British were utilized for information campaigns targeted at quelling communist activieties and mobilizing the masses for political participation

By the time Malaysia gained independence from the British in 1957, the communication structures that were prevalent and state-controlled still focused on eradicationg Communist insurgency and fostering political integration among the reaces. Along with the development of mass media facilities, telephone, telegraphic, postal and railway systems were established. State institutions which handled broadcasting and information services were combined to form the Ministry of Information.

In 1957, urban areas which were centers of commerece and trade dugring and after the British rule als became originating points of media messages. Televeision was introduced in 1963 and color transmission began in 1978. in 1970, direct satellite transmission f broadcast signals from other parts of the world was made possible with the inauguration of the first satellite earth station in Malaysia.

As of 1985, a total of 76 newspapers were being published in Malaysia. 14 in Malay, 18 in English, 35 in Chinese and the rest in Tamil, Punjabi and other dialects. 2 newspapers used a mixture of Englush, Malay and Kadazan.

Currently, most of the printing presses are privately-owned

Daily sales of newspapers in Peninsular Malaysia rose from 1.44 miliion copies in 1977 to 2.22 millionin 1982. .

The national news agency, Bernama, is the country’s sole news agency whose functions are to receive and distribute foreign news in Malaysia

Under Radio and Television Malaysia (RTM), a government body, are two network television stations and five domestic radio networks with regional relay stations.

sustained efforts of the government in tuning the mass media systems for the attainment of national development goals.

Weaknesses: communication gap between the government and the citizens, credibility of message facilitators and message content, insufficient research and planning, and lack of sufficient manpower resources.

Government censorship: while the various mass media continue to be used by the government for information and public relation purposes, there is an observable difference on the broadcast time for dissenting views

Newspaper companies, although privately-owned, have been known to be controlled by the leading pro-government political parties. Constant pressures regarding annual licensing of media facilities are employed. Moreover, reporters and editors who seek to express anti-government views are careful not to be branded as seditious or detained without trial.

In the 1970s, certain media content that do not conform to Malaysian values are not made available to the public. For example, the protraal of extramartical affairs and sexual deviance are deleted from media materials.

MASS MEDIA LAWS AND REGULATIONS IN MALAYSIA

Under two broad heads:
1. Laws that regulate access to information
2. laws that impose restraints on publication of information

Official Secrets Act fall on both categories
Present conditions:

PM Mahathir has run a public foreign-media bashing campaign for several years, blaming them obliquely for most of Malaysia's problems from running sensational reports on Malaysian demonstrations, to supporting government opponents and being controlled by foreign elements with hidden agendas to derail Malaysia's economic development

Now he has called for the setting up of an "Asian" media to "counter slants and distorted reporting of certain western media".

foreign media reporting of events in Malaysia in the past few years has been generally poor, and characterised by naivete and sensationalism

The Economist for example has continually predicted economic problems ahead for Malaysia, very few of which materialised in the time scale they predicted at least

Editors receive daily calls from government ministers and minders, checking on the political correctness of their reports. Opposition spokesmen have been denied reasonable access to the electronic and print media

Papers have reported the poor ratings of the objectivity of other country's newspapers by free press associations

Many people have ceased buying the New Straits Times and the Sun because of lack of anything new and significant news

Mahathir's sacking of the editors of two leading UMNO Malay papers just before Anwar's sacking on the basis of their negative reporting of the opening of the new Kuala Lumpur International Airport, sent a very strong message to Malaysian journos

the Malaysian Press is only rivaled by the Chinese People's Daily for their "political correctness".
______________________________________
In Malaysia, PM Mahathir has run a public foreign-media bashing campaign for several years, blaming them obliquely for most of Malaysia's problems from running sensational reports on Malaysian demonstrations, to supporting government opponents and being controlled by foreign elements with hidden agendas to derail Malaysia's economic development. Now he has called for the setting up of an "Asian" media to "counter slants and distorted reporting of certain western media". He said "the major concern among East Asian nations has been the slanted and distorted reporting of global events to Asian audiences and similar reporting of Asia to other parts of the world."
Certainly foreign media reporting of events in Malaysia in the past few years has been generally poor, and characterised by naivete and sensationalism. Even well respected sources such as the Economist and the BBC have run reports that were just clearly incorrect and showed a surprising lack of depth and serious analysis. Cable television such as CNN and CNBC, despite their on the ground presence in the region have made mistakes. The Economist for example has continually predicted economic problems ahead for Malaysia, very few of which materialised in the time scale they predicted at least. During significant points in the Anwar trial and lead-up, the BBC reported a Kuala Lumpur city in chaos with anti-government riots "spanning the city", while those actually in the city were lounging around sipping Starbuck's coffee, and driving around in their Protons wondering where all the excitement was located. Business Week proclaimed Anwar "Asian of the Year" late last year, suggesting that the Anwar case had changed the nature of Malaysian politics forever. Almost a year later, the most significant contribution of the Anwar/Mahathir shoot out was to teach Malaysians what happens to people who buck the system. The Chinese, by and large refugees from a homeland where revolutionary politics forced their migration to Malaysia waited to see who was going to win, and pragmatically fell in behind the winner. The majority Malays, non-confrontational in nature and brought up in a culture where questioning authority is almost taboo, in the end were convinced more by the ruling government's view rather than those of the recalcitrant and prodigal son. And the foreign press too has been guilty of xenophobia and viewing much of Asian affairs using Western models.
However, if Dr Mahathir has in mind the Malaysian local media as a model for this "Asian media", it will be an "Asian media" controlled by the ruling élites, and acting as their personal PR agencies. For that is, indeed, what the Malaysian mainstream media is now. The English language press is the laughing stock of the region. Many journalists are looking for alternative career paths, who initially thought there were going to be journalists, not a PR staffer. Editors receive daily calls from government ministers and minders, checking on the political correctness of their reports. Opposition spokesmen have been denied reasonable access to the electronic and print media. The only times when opposition figures from parties such as Keadilan, PAS and the DAP get great publicity is when there is political mileage for the ruling government, such as stories relating to the finding that Anwar wasn't poisoned, defections from their parties, and the more extremist policies of the Muslim PAS party. State-run TV3 regularly ventures into sloppy attempts at editorialising, playing old clips of Anwar stating that people shouldn't demonstrate in the streets, and signing off with comments like "...but that was in another time...". Papers have reported the poor ratings of the objectivity of other country's newspapers by free press associations, only to ignore that Mahathir was denounced in the same report for his treatment of themselves. A review of the new book analyzing the Asian crisis- "The Asian Eclipse" reproduced an extract praising Mahathir for raising the respect of Malaysian people, but failed to report the main thrust of the book - namely how corruption and collusion in Asian business and politics contributed to the crisis. Many people have ceased buying the New Straits Times and the Sun, who have committed the only sin in journalism worse than bias. They are just.. well.. boring... and best suited for wrapping up your Nasi Lemak.
On the other hand the government makes great play that the Malay language PAS funded newspaper Harrakah has not been banned, despite it's anti-government pro-Anwar line, and some of the Chinese language press does present a more balanced view. However, Mahathir's sacking of the editors of two leading UMNO Malay papers just before Anwar's sacking on the basis of their negative reporting of the opening of the new Kuala Lumpur International Airport, sent a very strong message to Malaysian journos. Support the government... or else...
At the same time as the Malaysian press and media has been stymied, the media in neighbouring countries has been liberalised. In Indonesia the media is very free, a legacy of one of Habibie's reforms that he still needs to be given proper credit for. Indeed papers that were shut down by Soeharto are now printing again, despite major problems for the press in Indonesia generally including high newsprint costs. In Singapore, for a long time a lackey for the government as the Malaysian press is today, reporting has opened up in line with Singapore's increased maturity and openness to the global village. In fact the Singapore Business Times has been set to task several times recently by Malaysian government ministers for their "unfair reporting" of Malaysian politics and business. In Thailand, both Thai and English language newspapers have managed to continue "...keeping the bastards honest..." despite bumbling attempts by ex PM Chevalit to control them when he was in office, and more recent visits to one newspaper by armed minders of a minister who felt he was unfairly treated. Present PM Chuan supports a free press, though reminding them of their responsibilities, resulting in a Thai press which is a model for the rest of the region. The Filipino press, as regular readers of Clarence Henderson's Pearl of the Orient Seas will know, continues their larrikanism, again despite Erap's attempts to emulate Mahathir in recent times. The end result is that the Malaysian Press is only rivaled by the Chinese People's Daily for their "political correctness".
Information is power, as we said at the start. In societies where education systems do not encourage objective analysis and where the emphasis is on answers rather than questions, people tend to believe what they read. The source of the material is never really questioned, and if the ruling elite controls the information, control of power follows. That is one reason why the Internet is a threat to authoritarian regimes. The danger to the ruling elite is people may read opinions or reports counter to their interests,.. and believe them, regardless of their source or substance. While Singapore has largely accepted this, and countered anti-Singapore material on the Internet by producing their own, Malaysia's more negative strategy is to ridicule and denounce.
Singapore's rulers have recognized the ability of their own people to tell the good from the bad. How long before Malaysia gives their people the same compliment? ..or do the Malaysian elite still feel that Malaysian's are children?
In a period of only 3 months, 4 journalists from Malaysia's press have told the Rat that they feel embarrassed to say they are journalists at private functions. Two of these have already left the profession. As in Ginsberg's "Howl", Malaysia is set to lose the brightest of their generation.
Is this what Mahathir aspires to as an "Asian Press"? Granted the sins of the foreign press have been significant, but they are monumentally surpassed by Mahathir's Press, rather than the Malaysian press they really should be. It is doubtful whether many of Mahathir's mates in East Asia will support such an idea. There are other, more local ways, to ensure the Asian voice is heard... We already know that the diversity of this region makes generalisations about common Asian values and culture a dangerous stomping ground. And better that it be the voice of the people rather than the voice of the ruling élites.
And as far as bias and distortion goes, let Mahathir clean up his own back yard first...

Dato' Abdullah Ahmad Badawi: The Malaysian Press Is Servile

· To: Sang Kancil
· Subject: Dato' Abdullah Ahmad Badawi: The Malaysian Press Is Servile
· From: "M.G.G. Pillai"
· Date: Sat, 18 Mar 2000 10:02:11 +0800 (MYT)
· cc: SK
· Delivered-To: mailing list sangkancil@lists.malaysia.net
· Mailing-List: contact sangkancil-help@malaysia.net; run by ezmlm

The deputy prime minister, Dato' Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, confirmed last
night (18 March 00) what one has known for years: the Malaysian Press
is servile. A government that could not accept criticism would lose
touch with reality. So, he wants the media to live up to its "heavy"
responsibility to bring "messages from the people to the attention of
the authorities". Which no doubt is why political magazines and
newspapers, like Harakah and Rocket, cannot be sold other than to party
members: they do not voice the people's discontent; that privilege, in
the deputy prime minister's estimation, is confined to the mainstream
media. The media, he intones portentiously, "should always act as a
bridge between the people and the government, playing a role that
upholds journalistic values". When they do, as Dato' Abdul Kadir Jasin
of the New Straits Times, he is removed so fast that his columns still
appear long after he has gone. Criticism is welcome but woe betide the
editor who criticises "for the sake of it", whatever that phrase means.
It must, you understand, be constructive -- like "the speech was
excellent, but the minister could have been better dressed", not that
"government has yet to build the roads it promised the village three
elections ago"? -- "to improve the situation for the country and not for
the personal interests of certain people". The government and the media
have a common aim but different role to develop a progresive and
peaceful nation. The government would not allow the media to debunk
national institutions like the judiciary, however responsible and valid
the criticisms. He even says self-censorship is a good thing, "born not
out fear but ... on the realisation that everyone had a role to play
taking into consideration the advantages and the need for moderation".
for which he is eternally grateful to the Malaysian media. All in all,
a woolly, ill-thought, confused speech to tell the media that it had
better buck up and face the fate of Dato' Kadir Jasin or worse.

The New Straits Times devoted a whole page to his confused
rantings, and the prize winners for the Malaysian Press Institute awards
for 1998. Yes, 1998. But my old friend forgot one important
requirement for a believable free press: credibility. If what is
written is perceived in the public eye as not believable, the best
newspaper in the world cannot survive for long. When governing
political parties control the mainstream media, as in Malaysia, and
ensures only news favourable to the man in charge could be published,
with opposition within the party and outside be brutally suppressed or
made fun of, it does not ensure a responsibe press but a servile one.
Dato' Abdullah's comments yesterday is his ex post facto justification
for the current state of the media. It worries him. But he cannot
break away, nor would he be allowed to, the chains -- and chains it is
-- that binds what he proclaims from the rooftops is Malaysia's free
press. The Malaysian media has lost its way, like a rudderless ship in
a storm, without wireless communication, with the captain warned he
cannot steer it without orders from ashore. This cannot be overcome
with the pride of having won all the major prizes the MPI had to offer
or the special award to that great journalist, Tan Sri Melan Abdullah..

The Malaysian Press's travails has nothing to do with the Western
press, as the deputy prime minister implies. The Western press writes
for its readership back home. What they write could well be
self-serving, irrational, wrong, often written -- in our eyes -- without
understanding. But when the local media is as restrictive and not even
attempt to report what is happening, people would read the Western
press. Can you blame them? The solution to that, which the deputy
prime minister would not want to address, are newspapers that performs
its functions not as the mouthpiece of the government but of the people,
with a balance that would earn it the respect of every one. The
government encourages this reliance on the Western press. Would Dato'
Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi have given that excellent interview he gave
NHK to a local television station? Would he or the Prime Minister talk
as seriously and without the normal tinge of malice to local reporters?
When the government has contempt for the local media, that redounds on
its credibility. The government views the press as its poodle. On the
other hand, the Indonesian and Thai governments talk only to the local
press, with the foreign press there under sufferance. They take the
press into their confidence, as the Malaysians do not.

The local press is in a conundrum, not knowing whom to believe and
what to report, reinforced by the deputy prime minister's speech last
night. The coming UMNO elections, with the possibility the "enemy" --
in this case, the Hermit of 33 Langkak Golf -- may challenge He Who
Thinks He Is Lord Of All He Surveys, frightens the media into
submission. Even the less controlled and far freer Chinese newspapers
and magazine grumble that their chief editor is the deputy home
minister, Dato' Ong Ka Ting. Some cabinet ministers cannot get space in
the mainstream media because they are out of odour with the leadership.
Self-preservation determines selection of news, not on relevance but to
keep their jobs. The coverage of the Anwar trial is progressively
reduced -- and whatever Dato' Seri Abdullah says -- by order from above.
The information minister insists the mainstream media shall be no more
than mouthpieces of the government. The Malaysian media has lost its
credibility, not just with the outsiders but with citizens as well. It
is not without a delightful irony that Dato' Abdullah Ahmad Badawi is
also home minister, whose ministry decides if the newspapers would be
allowed to publish next year. What frightens me about last night's
speech is the raising of the political ramparts which can guarantee an
even more servile a press than it already is. The velvet glove hid the
mailed fist -- and the press told to be on their guard if it should
ever report the Emperor wears no cloths..

M.G.G. Pillai
pillai@mgg.pc.my

Malaysia / مليسيا

Select the country and/or state:
Europe USA Americas Asia Africa Oceania

There are also pages sorted on these languages:English, Spanish, French, German, Italian,Portuguese, Arabic, Russian, Chinese, and Dutch.
AG = News AgencyMG = MagazineIN = Internet Only NP = NewspaperRD = RadioTV = Television TT = Teletextxx= language according to ISO-639W = Weekly M = Monthly, etc = Acrobat™ PDF = On-line Audio = On-line Video
Malaysia
Malaysia / مليسيا
NP Berita Harian / Berita Minggu (Kuala Lumpur) ms
AG Bernama en
NP Business Times (Kuala Lumpur) en
IN Edge, The (Kuala Lumpur) W en
NP Guāng Huá Rìbào [Kwong Wah Yit Poh] 光华日报 zh
NP Harakah Daily (Kuala Lumpur) ms
NP Harian Metro (Kuala Lumpur) ms
NP Huáqiáo Rìbào / Overseas Chinese Daily News 华侨日报 zh
NP Malay Mail (Kuala Lumpur) en
IN Malaysia Kini (Kuala Lumpur) en
NP Malaysian Today en
NP Nangoku Shimbun 南国新聞 (Damansara Jaya) ja
NP New Straits Times, The (Kuala Lumpur) en
NP Star, The (Petaling Jaya) en
NP Sun, The (Petaling Jaya) en
NP Utusan Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) ms
NP Xīng Zhōu Rìbào [Sin Chew] 星洲日报 zh
NP Zhōngguó Bào (ChinaPress) 中國報 (Kuala Lumpur) zh

Malaysia Keeps Tight Control Over Internet Providers
By Michael Bociurkiw, in Asia Times,
24 February, 1997
Kuala Lumpur, 24 Feb. 1997 (Asia Times): In an apparent reversal of an avowed policy to allow the Internet to flourish, Malaysia...closed the door on expanding the Internet service provider (ISP) market.
Energy, Telecommunications and Posts Minister Leo Moggie, who announced the decision...Friday, said the government did not want to repeat the experience it had with the mobile telephone market, where several players had been allowed to compete for a limited customer base.
"We have to be careful as we do not want to repeat the concerns we had when there were so many communications licences given to the companies. Through that experience, we decided to approach this matter with caution," Moggie said.
Additional ISPs would not be allowed until there was evidence of more demand, he added.
Industry insiders are speculating...the freeze could only be temporary given the high increase in subscribers in Malaysia and the imminent launch of the country's much-touted information technology hub, the Multimedia Super Corridor.
Until recently, the Malaysian Institute of Microelectronic Systems (MIMOS) - which is under the Ministry of Science, Technology and the Environment - was the sole provider of Internet services in Malaysia through its Jaring network. ...late last year, the government allowed Telekom Malaysia to launch its own service, known as TMNet.
Still, in relative terms, Malaysia has among the lowest number of ISPs in Asia. Singapore has three, while Thailand, Hong Kong and the Philippines each have several.
Malaysia has among the highest Internet growth rates in Asia. MIMOS estimated there were more than 30,000 subscribers in early 1996, and perhaps as many as 100,000 users. By the end of 1997, the country could have as many 300,000 subscribers.
Industry sources close to TMNet say they are registering close to 300 new subscribers a day.
Another telecommunications company, Time Telecommunications, ...just introduced a high-speed leased line network, Time NetLink, which provides businesses access to the Internet. The service is limited to subscribers located in buildings with links to Time's leased lines.
Industry sources said at least one more Malaysian company was to have entered the general ISP market. A consortium between a leading network provider and a top-ranked system integrator is believed to have been next in line for an ISP licence.
Most observers agree Malaysia's Internet market requires an infusion of expertise as well as more competition. Jaring has been widely criticized for providing spotty coverage and service, and TMNet's security system has been
breached twice by a computer hacker.

Panel to screen foreign reports
from Star Malaysia
Wednesday, 19 November 1997
MALACCA: A committee has been set up to screen all foreign reports about the country which are carried via the Internet, Culture, Arts and Tourism Ministry deputy secretary-general Datuk Tengku Alaudin Tengku Abdul Majid said yesterday.
"The committee will browse through the Internet and read the articles on the country," he said.
Tengku Alaudin said negative articles will be extracted and discussed on a regular basis.
"We will decide on the appropriate action to correct any wrong perceptions in the reports," he told reporters after attending the 13th meeting of the Asean working group on Literary and Asean studies here.
Tengku Alaudin said the committee will submit weekly reports to the Prime Minister's Department.
He said that Culture, Arts and Tourism Minister Datuk Sabbaruddin Chik and other senior officials were in London to counter negative reports about Malaysia at the World Travel Mart.
Tengku Alaudin said local media should also refrian from writing any negative reports to prevent the foreign media from picking them up and tarnishing the country's image.
]

Journalist's resignation chills media
From Hong Kong Standard
Thursday 16 July 1998
KUALA LUMPUR: The resignation of the editor of a top Malaysian newspaper group has sent a chill through the local media with speculation that more heads will roll as Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad shores up his power base.
Politicians and media executives said yesterday that this week's surprise resignation of Johan Jaafar, group editor-in-chief of Utusan Melayu Utusan Melayu (Malaysia) Bhd, had sparked worries of a government clampdown on "negative" reporting by the local media.
Johan's resignation caused ripples among journalists because local newspaper editors usually rise and fall on the government's nod.
The Utusan media group is closely linked to the ruling United Malays National Organisation (UMNO) party and controls several newspapers including the mass circulation Utusan Malaysia.
Some said Johan's departure indicated a move by Dr Mahathir to strengthen his power base ahead of next year's UMNO party elections.
The resignation came two weeks after Dr Mahathir criticised local media for "negative" and "sensational" reporting of problems at Kuala Lumpur's new airport which opened on 30 June.
Malaysian newspapers detailed problems at the new airport__including flight delays, missing baggage and lost cargot__for four days, before toning down their coverage.

Malaysia
When Abdullah Badawi took over from Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad in October 2003, Malaysia’s first change in leadership in more than two decades, he sounded themes of democracy, good governance, and human rights in his inauguration speech. The new administration, however, has yet to take significant steps toward dismantling Malaysia’s legal framework of repression. Prominent human rights concerns in Malaysia include arbitrary detention of alleged militants under the Internal Security Act (ISA); severe restrictions on media freedom; constraints on judicial independence; and abuses against refugees and migrants.

Restrictions on Media Freedom
Malaysia's media is largely devoid of serious criticism of the government. Malaysians are fed a daily dose of positive news about their government, and senior United Malays National Organisation (UMNO) politicians are unfailingly featured in the day's headlines, always shown in a positive light. The government maintains its control through a network of laws curbing free expression, as well as through direct day-to-day monitoring and control of the media. Opposition politicians and local activists have trouble getting their message out, and strong criticism of government policy almost never makes its way onto the pages of Malaysia's daily newspapers. Television and radio are even more strictly controlled.

Even internet-based news sites, able to operate more freely due to Malaysia's efforts to cast itself as a global center of cyber activity, risk censure or even closure if they step too far out of line. In January 2003, the offices of news website Malaysiakini were raided, and a number of computer processors seized. Although most of the equipment was eventually returned, Malaysiakini still operates under the threat of prosecution; the government has yet to clear it of all charges. The ability of independent media outlets like Malaysiakini to operate without restrictions in the run-up to 2004 elections, which must be called before November, will be an important barometer of press freedom.

2005-10-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

tangna. i ain't anybody's fan. kahit yata sa artista o cno man, hindi ako fan. i am a fan of basktetball, good tv shows, and other great stuff but i ain't a fan of ANYBODY (that is, a person). tangna talaga.

i watched d game dahil nanay asked me if i wanted to watch, kaya ako nagpunta doon. gs2 ko makita ung nanay ko and my friends. i wasn't expecting her to come, kaya nga nagulat ako nung may nagsabing darating cia. and nung gabi nman, while they were waiting for their sundo, wla akong balak na magstay dun ng mtagal dahil ayoko ngang mpag-isipan na obsessed, eager-beaver or the worst one, FAN. tangna tlaga. dapat sasabay nko kay nanay palabas kaso pinaiwan niya ako dahil may business siya with sumbody. grrrr tlaga. sana kc inaalam muna ang mga pangyayari bgo ako tawaging, "fan." tangna.

word of the day: tangna.

#### for the record, asar na asar talaga ako. ndi sa sarili ko ah. tangna. tangna. tangna.

2005-10-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

*Three Things*
Three things that scare me:
1:	the thought of being alone
2:	ghosts
3:	animals
Three people who make me laugh:
1:	hazen
2:	nanay mec
3:	long mejia
Three Things I love:
1:	stars
2:	butterflies
3:	basketball
Three Things I hate:
1:	injustice (social and otherwise)
2:	being alone
3:	animals
Three things I don't understand:
1:	why love moves in mysterious ways hehehe
2:	the theory of relativity
3:	my feelings right now
Three things on my desk:
1:	my cellphone
2:	food
3:	a pen
Three things I'm doing right now:
1:	reading
2:	typing
3:	thinking of...
Three things I want to do before I die:
1:	tell ___ that i love ___
2:	repent my sins.,. be a good Christian
3:	watch the sunset and the stars at night with ___
Three things I can do:
1:	give without asking for anything in return
2:	make people laugh
3:	make my life complicated
Three ways to describe my personality:
1:	complicated
2:	a little bit of everything
3:	mapagmahal
Three things I can't do:
1:	magpakatotoo sa nararamdaman ko
2:	chioose
3:	touch a snake
Take this survey \| Find more surveys You've been totally Bzoink*d

2005-10-14T06:39:00.000-07:00

hmm.. hindi na ata ako marunong ng html codes dahil hindi ko na alam kung paano ggawing bold ang text at nasa gitna.. kaya alang title ang entry na to. so this is, in essence, untitled.

overdue na ang post na ito. sobrang tagal ko nang hindi nagpopost (except dun sa very short one before this) dahil walang time, walang motivation at walang sasabihin.

i tried creating a xanga page pero ala pa rin. tinamad din akong mag-post at ngaun ay virtually stoic na din cia.

more than two years na din yata itong blog kong ito.

naks!

anyway...

hmmm.. marami ako gustong ishare. maraming-marami.

pero... nsniniwala kasi ako na when you say (or in this case, write) something, it becomes final.

at ayoko, at hindi ko, maamin sa sarili ko ang nararamdaman ko. i know it's wrong. i know na with this, i'm headed for yet another heartbreak. to think na i have my wen already.

***you inhabit me. i can't get you out of my system.

argh. gusto kong ierase ung line na un.... but it's my only way of expressing my feelings. harmless naman un e. db? db? please sumbody tell me na harmless nga. and pls sumbody tell me wat to do.

pak. pak talaga.

minsan ang lupit mglaro ng Tadhana e. ewan ko ba.

eto, kanta ko sa kanya. hay... sa kanya.

AKAP
Imago

Nagtatanong
bakit mahirap
sumabay sa agos
ng iyong mundo

Nagtataka
Simple lang naman sana
Ang buhay
Kung ika'y matino

Sabihin sa akin lahat ng lihim mo
Iingatan ko
Ibaling sa akin ang problema mo
kakayanin ko

Pikit mata
kong iaalay
ang buwan at araw
pati pa sapatos kong suot

Nagtatanong
simple lang naman sana
ang buhay
kung ika'y lumayo

Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit
Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa pait
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit

Sasamahan ka

argh. ayokong mahulog. ayoko.

pero mahirap turuan ang... wag na. waah.

sorry sa mga nabitin. uhm, magulo isip ko.

2005-09-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

ds is so weird.

hay.

ngaun ko lng nramdaman 2, ever. dati tingin ko sa mga taong ganito ay hibang at may abnormalidad, pero ngaun, isa na rin ako sa kanila. i know it's wrong, but it feels right. ewan.

sana may makaintindi sakin.

2005-05-05T05:42:00.000-07:00

ei guys! got a new xanga.. pls do visit it, ok?

http://www.xanga.com/redbutterfly_766

un lang.. kaya lng i still haven't figure out until now kung pano siya lgyan ng chatterbox so for the moment, leave your comments nlng and sign the guestbook (or could they both be done by signing the guestbook?! ewan..)

thanks uli! God bless, everyone!

2005-02-12T01:02:00.000-08:00

Surigao, here I come!

I guess the title says it all... I'll be going to Surigao!! Yipeee!!!

Thanks to the National Schools Press Conference, I'll be taking a week off from school. Oh boy, it sureley is thrilling, exciting and scary all at the same time. I mean, the two days of review at Dep-Ed was really fun and helpful, but it was also in those two days when I truly realized that the pressure is on, and that there is no turning back.

Anyway, now that I've mentioned the review session, allow me to share a bit of my experience there. There were supposed to be 36 delegates (including me) training for the nationals but I think only about 25 came. The food was awesome - Goldilocks goodies for morning and afternoon breaks, and Chowking lauriats and treats for lunch. Grabe. Everybody was saying nga, "ang yaman pala ng NCR..." hehehe..

Moving on, we also had great, and I mean GREAT, speakers for more learning and inspiration. Ms. Yvonne Chua, Journalism proffesor in UP Diliman and formerly of Malaya, Ms. Malou Mangahas, Writer and Consultant for GMA-7's Debate, among others, and Mr. Quinito Henson, Sports Columnist for the Philippine Star and Commentator for PBA (and well, who doesn't know Quinito?) spoke before us and conducted open forums. I was surprised to know that Mr. Henson and my dad are friends! (read: Starstruck... hehe just kidding.. *_*)

Here's my schedule in the NSPC:

Feb. 20, 8:45 am - Flight to Surigao

Feb 21, morning - Orientation

noon - who knows?

afternoon - parade of delegates

evening - opening program, fireworks (yehey!!!!)

Feb. 22, morning - non-contestestant session: TAGISAN NG TALINO (i am ctually a a quiz bee contestant.. surprise, surprise!)

3:30-4:30 - Newswriting contest proper (this is it...)

Feb. 23, afternoon - Broadcasting Contest (again.. kasali ako.. waaaah)

- awarding for school papers

Feb 24, afternoon - awarding for individual contests

February 25 - tour; PROM (huhuhu... :'<)

Feb 26 - flight back to Manila

There.. Please please please pray for me and the other NCR delegates. Pls. pray not only for our victory but also for our safety. Pero pls pray na manalo kami...

Hay hay,..

"If the Lord is with me, who can be against me?"

Aja!!

Feb

2005-01-12T06:37:00.000-08:00

THE GIRL BEHIND THE SMILES

Loud people have great insecurities. They hide behind the jester mask and the clown costume, as each tear and pain is effectively dabbed unnoticed by expertly-moving fingers. Defeat and depression are their greatest adversaries, but are quickly shrugged off for some other "more appropriate time and place for drama," thanks to their gift of gab and humor. There is only one motto. The show must go on.

As part of human nature, we tend to build our defense around ourselves so as not to let other people penetrate our walls. We simply can't let them see beyond our cover. Our weaknesses and most revered emotions remain walled and bottled up within that protective barrier, locked away from the judging and uncomfortable stares of the world...

I am a loud-type, agressive and most of all, a self-proclaimed realist, yet, a pretender. I am a walking irony of all sorts and breathing contradiction of all types; true as most are to others, yet hypocryte as I AM to myself. And so now, before i even have the split-second to get tempted to wear my mask again, allow me to welcome you to my stage.

Don't get me wrong. I am not a hyporcite to others - just to myself.

My world is a stage, and no one acts but me.

####

"Avoid loud and aggressive people, they are vexacious to the spirit..." -line from Desiderata

Who says the Desiderata is omniscient?

Only God is. And my GOD shall judge me for all my deeds and words - not some pledge or poem. And especially not you.

2004-09-28T06:03:00.000-07:00

MASAYA AKO.. DAHIL...

hmm.. npakasaya ko.. eto ang mga dahilan:

1.) ang dalawa kong mga kaibigan ay masaya pareho dahil sila ay ngmamahalan. i'm happy 4 d both of them. :D

2.) may moment ako knina with ____. wahahaha. sikretong malupet kung cno. ala pa yta may lam sa moseley nito.

3.) may cute akong nakasabay sa jeep. tga-linnaeus. bka mgkasabay uli kmi bukas.

4.) dahil ang mga friends ko sa las pinas ay nakauwi ng safe. sa totoo lang, tlgang knkbhan ako kninang uwian para sa knila dahil may gmagala daw na serial killer dun. hay. God is good tlga. :D

5.) dahil sa BURBANK.....

6.) at dahil sa MOSELEY NA NAPAKA ASTIG. :D

what more could i wish for? :D

2004-09-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

To the girl who has everything

COTABATO, chartered city in the southern Philippines, on southwestern Mindanao Island, in northern Maguindanao Province. Cotabato is located on the north side of the delta of the Río Grande de Mindanao (formerly Cotabato River). Cotabato's port is 18 km (11 mi) north at Parang, on Poloc Harbor, an arm of Illana Bay. Cotabato is the main commercial center of southwestern Mindanao Island, but its swampy delta and remoteness have kept it from achieving the commercial importance of other cities on Mindanao, such as Davao and Zamboanga. The valley of the Río Grande de Mindanao, called the Cotabato Valley, is one of the country's major agricultural regions. Sometimes still considered a “pioneer” frontier area, the valley has been the destination for migrants from more densely populated regions in the Visayan Islands and Luzon Island since the beginning of the 20th century. Rice, maize, sugarcane, and coffee are important crops of the Cotabato Valley. National roads and highways connect Cotabato through the valley to most of the cities and towns of Mindanao. Cotabato is also served by a small airport providing commercial interisland service. The city's population is diverse ethnically and reflects the in-migration of Catholic Filipinos from the north to this once Muslim-dominated area. In 1990 some 40 percent of Cotabato's residents were Muslim; the major Muslim group speaks Maguindanao. Chinese residents are an important minority and are dominant in some retail activities. Cotabato was founded by the Spanish in 1862 and named a charter city in 1959. Its name is related to the Spanish word for fort, which was Cotabato's earliest function. Population (1995) 146,779.
Microsoft® Encarta® Online Encyclopedia 2001
http://encarta.msn.com © 1997-2001 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

To the girl whom my panda loves: love him in the best way possible. Do not ever make him cry. God knows how special this guy is. Please take care of him and never break his heart.

I envy you. God knows I'll give anything to live one day in your shoes. God knows how much I'm willing to give to switch places with you. You have everything. YOU HAVE HIS LOVE.

Love him. Don't make him cry... because the moment that you do, I will take him from you. Even if I don;t have any right to do so.

I love him. He loves you. Please, love him in the best way you can.

I love him.

########
The butterfly's heart is bleeding as she is typing this. Her crystal tears flow in rhyme with the drops of rain as her world shatters and crumbles into darkness.

2004-08-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

drama queen: act 3 scene 1 :: thank you

i love you.

i still get the same roller coaster feeling i get since you came into my life almost a year ago whenever thoughts of you enter my mind. yours is still the face i see the moment i wake up every morning. yours are still the eyes that i look into every night before i sleep.

i love you.

whenever i start attempting to explain what i feel and to justify all the tears and smiles that only you have the power to evoke, it all goes back to three words.

i love you.

kailangan ko na sigurong tanggapin na tlgang hanggang magkaibigan na lang tayo. thank you for treating me nicely in spite of our situation. i appreciate it.

i still ask God to help me get over you. the pain is excruciating. i love you with all my heart, and yes, i admit that i still pray that one day you could get to love me as more than just your friend, but then i am still thankful for what we have. friendship.

i love you. damn i love you.

but as for now, i guess i should say it this way:

i love you my friend.

i love you.

2004-08-20T07:34:00.001-07:00

discover your inner candy heart @ quiz me

I'm a O65-C25-E89-A38-N37 Big Five!!

The True IQ Test

Congratulations, Gem!
Your IQ score is 118

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the True IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas.

/

2004-07-15T04:23:00.000-07:00

Music for the butterfly's soul :: A LITTLE BIT by MYMP

MYMP - A Little Bit

I was kinda hesitant to tell you
Should I let you know
I was never really like this before
Need I say more

Or maybe I'm confused when you are near me
I don't know what to do or I should be
There's only one thing in my mind
That's you and me

[Chorus:]
I'm a little bit of crazy
I'm a little bit of a fool
I'm a little bit of lonely
I'm a little bit of all
Oh, I need a cure
Just a little bit of you
And I will fall

I'm always on the run to see you
Would you allow me to
It wasn't my attention to hurt you
This feeling is true

Or maybe I'm confused when you are near me
I don't know what to do or I should be
There's only one thing in my mind
That's you and me

[Chorus:]
I'm a little bit of crazy
I'm a little bit of a fool
I'm a little bit of lonely
I'm a little bit of all
Oh, I need a cure
Just a little bit of you
And I will fall

waaah... the exposition would come later.

adios!

"she needs you more than i do..." -=butterfly=-

2004-07-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

A bagful of momentous zilch :: Of bhurbz and moseley

We are to have a summative test in Physics tomorrow, a (long) quiz in analytic geometry, another of Mam Labay-induced-headaches, and a day full of such high-school dillmas. I still haven't finished studying/preparing for any of the things I already mentioned, and here I am typing away in front of my good ol' PC.

So this is not exactly an ideal time to blog, but I feel like it. lalalala..

I miss my classmates when I was still in III-Burbank. Don't get me wrong, I am now a MOSELEY and i am beginning to love my present section, but of course, it could not be helped if one inevitably reminisces the past.

I know that many other sections claim unity, camaraderie amongst everyone, and such. I am gladdened by this because I know how it feels to be in a class full of love, warmth, friendship, fun and lessons. I have been noticing that most people are already missing their 3rd yr sections, or should I say classmates. They have shared 10 months or even more of their high school lives with the people whom they have considered their family and friends. Most have shed tears when the time came for everyone to separate ways and pave the way for the changes that 4th year has to bring. How much more we, the Burbankers, who (most of us, in that matter) have shared almost two years of oneness and, the same classrooms where everything started.

I miss my former classmates all the time that is why I frequent my hanging out with Newton and Faraday. (read: FC hehe..)

Anyhow, to reveal the other half of my blog entry's idea, allow me to say this: I am enjoying my stay in IV-Moseley, thanks to all my classmates who have incessantly showered each day with fun and kindness. I thought that after Burbank, never would I experience doubling over with laughter again. I was wrong.

Special mention: RUTH, Hall of fame ko toh.. thank you for always being there.. MINA, the ever-so-dominant resident of the powder room.. thnaks for sharing him (hehe) and stuff with me :) luv yah girls.. JAMES for being there and for the kindness.. KIM, for providing the necessary and even excessive (positive one) comedy.. for the "median" hehehe.. RENDEL for always reminding me of nikki and being very nice and funny.. KERVIN for being the great seatmate (ggaling sa math yan!) and for narrating the it might be you episodes which i have missed.. NAJLA for being cute and nice.. and also ABI and FATIMA.. COY for being the role model.. SAM for always brightening up my day.. and for all the other MOSELEYS whom i have failed to mention due to time constrains. I'm hurrying htis up because I need to study. It's 11 pm now and I need to accomplish something before I doze off.

ciao!

note: i would like to apologize to every moseley 04 (the moshies) for using 'moshies'.. i understand that it belongs to you guys.. sorry po.. just got carried away.. miss ko na kau.. God bless you.

"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."-Albert Einstein

Ak

2004-06-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

Write or left: I choose write :: Naisalba ko pa sana ang buhay niya...

Noong isang araw ay nakasaksi ako ng isang karumal-dumal na krimen.

Sa tingin nio ba ay dapat akong magsumbong sa pulis?

Linggo ng tanghali noon at kasalukuyan kaming nagbibilyar ng aking mga kaibigan. Ang bilyaran ay nasa may silong ngisang tindahan. Habang ang dalawa kongkasama ay nagpapagalingan sa 15-ball game ay nakita kong may isang mamang dumating na nakasakay sa motorsiklo. Naka-puti siyang sando at maong na shorts. Nakasumbrero siyang puti at naka-tsinelas na itim. Sa tantiya ko ay may labingsiyam na taon pa lamang siya.

Lumapit siya sa mga kabarkadang nag-iinuman sa harap ng tindahan. Nagsenyasan sila ng mga signal na hindi ko naman maintindihan. Maya-maya pa ay umalis ang lalaki, sakay rin ang motorsiklo, at humarurot sa direksyon ng hayskul na malapit sa kanto.

Makalipas ang tatlumpung minuto ay nagbalik ang lalaking naka-sando.

Laking gulat ko nang makitang traysikel na ang sakay niya at may sakay siya sa loob. Isang mataba at marungis na, sa tingin ko, ay lalaki. Hindi na ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na malaman kung siya ba ay lalaki o babae dahil sa kahayupang ginawa sa kaniya.

Kitang-kita ko kung paano siya kinaladkad pababa ng lalaki papunta sa likuran ng silong. Dumaan ba sila sa harapan namin? Oo. Awang-awa ako. Ngunit wala akong magawa. Wala akong ginawa.

Dumating na ang kinatatakutan ko. Isa sa mga umiinom ang pumasok sa tindahan at naglabas ng isang gulok (parang itak), at hinasa-hasa pa ito sa isang bato. Takut na takot ang biktima. Sinubukan nitong tumakas ngunit nahablot siya nung naka-sando.

Dahan-dahang iniaangat nito ang kanyang ulo, at hindi nagtagal ay tumarak na ang tanim ng gulok sa marusing na leeg ng walang kalaban-laban na nilalang.

Kitang-kita ko kung papaano pa nito ipinagpapumiglas ang walang ulong katawan, kung paano ito humandusay sa sahig at ipagpapadayak ang mga paa hanggang sa hugutin nito ang huli niyang hininga.

Nagkalat ang dugo. Natalsikan rin ng dugo ang kaninang puting sando ng salarin.

Halos masuka ako sa nakita, nakakakilabot talaga.

Siguro, kung umaksyon ako kaagad nun, at hindi ako naduwag, ay buhay pa siya ngayon. Naisalba ko sana ang buhay niya.

Ngunit wala akong nagawa. Wala akong ginawa.

Kawawang bibi...

2004-06-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

A bagful of momentous zilch :: Sandals, usok, alak at pag-ibig (Part II)

Sinimulan nilang bagtasin ang mahaba-habang daan pabalik sa bahay nila Ike. Hinarana ng mahinang pagtawag ng mga palaka sa mga kakilala ang minsang pang nakabibinging katahimikang inihatid ng gabi.

Kinapa ni Gil ang bulsa sa polo para sa kanyang lighter. Sa dinami-dami ng mga nagging lighter niya, ito na yata ang pinaka-inalagaan at tinago talaga niya. Kahit pa nga yung padalang lighter nung tita niya galling sa Canada e hindi nagtagal sa kanya ng ganun. Iyong bigay ni Mags ay stainless na may takip sa itaas upang itago ang maliit na butas na naglalabas ng munting apoy. Tuwing iaangat ang takip na ito upang sindihan ang lighter ay uniilaw ang katawang ng disenyong marijuana sa gitna. Ilaw na kulay asul. Ang paboritong kulay niya. Ang kay Mags ay berde. Parehong pareho ang lighter nila maliban lang sa kulay ng ilaw.

Nang mahawakan ang lighter ay dumukot siyang isang stick mula sa pack ng sigarilyo. Sinindihan niya ito at inabot kay Mags na kasabay na niyang naglalakad. Dumukot uli si Gilng nang isa pang stick para sa sarili at sabay nilang hinithit-lunok-buga ang mga usok na nanggagaling sa yosing binili nila bago pumunta kanina sa fiesta. Nang maubos ang stick ay kinuha ni Mags mula sa kamay ni Gil ang pack ng yosi at kumuha ng isa pa. Sindihan niya ito at sibimulang bumugang muli ng usok. Gayun din ang ginawa ni Gil.

Panandalian nilang pinagsaluhan ang gabing nabalutan ng usok, babahagyang ilaw, lamig, at minsan pa – katahimikan.

Halos sabay nilang hinagis sa bukiran sa gilid ang mga filter at nagpatuloy sa paglakad. Ipinamulsa na ni Gil ang lighter at yosi.

Patuloy nilang nilakad ang haba ng daan patungo sa bahay ng pinsan. Nang may halos 100 metro na lang ang kailangan nialng lakarin ng may mga aso na pag-aari ng mag-anak na nakatira sa isang maliit na kubo sa gitna ng taniman ng talong at kung anu-ano pang mga gulay ang nagtatahol at nagtangkang lumapit.

Agad na hinablot ni Gil ang braso ni Mags at itinulak ito papunta sa kabilang bahagi ng kalsada, palayo sa direksyon ng mga tahol at mga tila nanlilisik na mata ng mga hayop. Tila handang sumalakay ang mga ito, kaya’t pinaglakad na niya si Mags palayo.

”Dire-diretso lang, wag kang lilingon. Ako na bahala,” ang parang teacher na utos niya kay Mags.

Dali-dali siyang namili ng anim na malalaking bato at dala-dalawang inihagis ng ubod-lakas sa mga itim na aninong kumakahol at nangingislap ang mga gutom na mata. Halos hindi natinag ang mga ito, at sasalakay pa rin sana, ngunit inambaan na naman sila ng ating bidang matapang. Nang sa tingin niya ay wala nang aberya sa mga aso ay dali-dali siyang naglakad upang abutan si Mags, na sa sobrang takot ay tila kakayaning talunin ang record ni Forest Gump sa pagtakbo ng milya-milyang haba ng daan.

Dire-diretso lang sila hanggang sa marating na ang katam-tamang bahay ng pinsan ni Marge. Imbes na pumasok sa loob, kung saan may ilang pang mga bisita na kumakain, ay naupo muna sila sa papag na nasa ilalim ng puno ng mangga. Pareho silang pagod at humihingal. Nahiga si Gil, at ipinatong ang batok sa kanang braso habang patuloy sa paghingal. Si Mags naman ay huniga rin sa tabi ng kababata at tumawa ng malakas.

“O ano’ng nakakatawa?” ang iritang tanong ni Gil. “Wala lang. Hehehe. Biro mo, pinasuot mo na nga sakin itong sandals mo, tapos nagpakabayani ka pa dun sa mga aso. Bsta nakakatatawa lang,” ang humahagikgik pa ring sabi ng dalagang natural na palatawa at masiyahin. “Loko. Kunwari ka pa e iiyak ka rin naman kung nilapa ako nung mga asong yun. Tska hoy, masakit sa paa yung mga bato ha,” ang winika ni Gil sa tonong pilit pinagmumukhang nanunumbat.

Pero kilala siya ni Mags. Nakita ang tunay na mensahe sa sinabing iyon ng kaibigan – naglalambing si Gil, and at the same time, ay proud sa ginawang kabayanihan. Lalo lang napatawa si Mags, at nagwika pang “Pero pano nga kaya noh? Diba madalas mo sabihin na masarap na pulutan ang aso? E pano kung ikaw pa ung ginawang pulutan ng mga aso?” Napatawa na rin si Gil ditto at tumayo na. Iniabot ang kamay kay Mags at itinayo na rin ang dalagang tawa pa rin ng tawa.

“Na macho-han siguro sayo ung dalwang aso dun.. Macho.. Machochulis ang buto!” sabay tumakbo palayo.

“Ah ganun ha! Lagot ka sakin!” ang tumatawa ring sagot ni Gil na hinabol ang dalaga, ngunit tumigil rin matapos ang ilang hakbang dahil nasaktang muli ang mga talampakan. Napatigil na rin si Mags, at maya-maya ay pumasok sa bahay ng pinsan. Paglabas niya ay suot na ang isa sa mga tsinelas ng pinsan, at iniabot ang sandals sa tunay na may-ari.

“Hay sa wakas!” ang nakngiting sambit ni Gil. Minsan, katulad ngayon, ay hindi niya mapigil ang hindi sinasagyang pagpapahiwatig ng sakit. Aba siyempre naman, tao lang rin siya. Nasasaktan. Lumuluha. Tumatawa. Nagmamahal.

Pagkatapos makapanghingi ng gas ay hiniram ni Gil ang motorbike ni Ike. Si Ike na rin ang nagmneho ng bike habang nakaangkas si Gil at ang gallon ng gas sa likod. Binagtas nila ang madilim na daan na ngayon ay naiilawan na ng liwanag na nanggagaling sa headlight ng Suzukie X4.

Hindi nagtagal ay sinapit na nila ang mismong pinag-iwanan ng Honda Civic, at dali-daling nilagyan ng gas ang tangke. Binuhay ni Gil ang makina ng kotse, minaniobra sa isang malapad-lapad na bahagi ng daanan, at maya-maya pa ay kasunod na siya ni Ike na bumalik sa bahay. Pinatay niya ang makina ng sasakyan pagsapit sa tapat ng papag na hinigaan nila ni Mags kanina. Nandoon si Mags, nakaupo at naghihintay.

“Tara muna dun sa bahay kubo sa likod,” ang paanyaya ni Ike habang ipinaparada ang motorbike sa tapat ng isang bintana ng bahay.

Nagkatinginan sina Mags at Gil. Alam na nila ang ibig sabihin nun. Niyayaya silang uminom ng asawa ng pinsan ni Mags. Nagkibit-balikat si Mags sabay sabing, “sure. Tara Gil,” sabay lakad na papunta sa likod-bahay. Napapailing na lamang si Gil habang sinusundan ang kaisa-isang babaeng kabarkada. Ito pa kasi ang isa pa niyang kinamamanghaan sa babaeng ito. Hindi naman lasinggera, pero umiinom, basta’t kailangan.

Pagsapit sa munting kubo na may lamesa sa gitna,na ngayon ay natatabunan ng mga bote ng beer, ay naupo siya sa tabi ni Mags na kasalukuyan nang nakikipagkwentuhan sa mga kaibigan ni Ike. Mga kakilala rin kasi ni Mags ang mga iyon. Ang isa pa nga sa kanila, si RJ, ay minsang nanligaw kay Mags.

Anim silang nasa kubo. Si Ike, si JR, si Anne, si Gerard, si Mags, at siya. Mukha ngang may tama na si JR dahil lumalakas na naman ang hangin. Si Ike, na beterano na sa inuman, at sigurado siyang pinakamarami nang uminom, ay hindi pa rin tinatamaan. Matinong-matino pa. Si Gerard, na siyang pinsan rin ni Mags, ang tanggero.

Katabi ni Gerard ang girlfriend na si Anne. Girlfriend no. 4 yata, kung tama ang pagkaka-alala ni Gil sa listahan ng mga babae ni Gerard. Babaero kasi itong mokong, palibhasa may hitsura. Kabarkada rin nila nina Mags si Gerard, ngunit ngayong gabi ay hindi muna nila pakikialaman ito dahil kasalukuyan pang ini-enjoy ang alak. Sa Maynila kasi, kung saan nag-aaral si Gerard sa AMA, ay limitado lang ang pag-inom nito. Hinayaan na lang nilang magpakalsaing ito ngayong gabi.

Si Mags naman ay iniinom na ang unang baso niya sa tagayan. Ilang lagok lang ay ubos ng dalaga ang laman ng baso. Nagulat si Gil rito. Hindi naman malakas uminom ang kaibigan, at lalong hindi ito sanay maglasing. Pero bakit? Pagsundo pa lamang niya kanina kay Mags ay napansin na niyang kakaiba ang kilos nito. Tila sumobra ito sa pagkasaya nang Makita siya, tila sumobra sa pagtawasa mga biro niya, tila sumobra sa pagtatampo nang tuksuhin niya, lahat ay sumobra. Bumalik lamang ang lahat sa normal nang una nilang sapitin ang bahay ng pinsan, ngunit ngayon ay nagsisimula na naman ang kasobrahan.

Maski siya, si Gilberto Santiago, na kaya nang gawan ng biography at mahabang karakter sketch si Mags, ay hindi mawari kung ano ang nangyayari.

Sumunod sa pila ng tagay si Gil. Pagka-staright niya sa alak na laman ng baso ay ipinangako sa sariling hanggang apat na baso lamang siya. Siya ang magdadrive pauwi. Siya ang maghahatid kay Mags. Siya ang pinagkatiwalaan ng mga magulang ni Mags para sa kaligtasan ng kaibigan. Mahirap na.

Lumipas pa ang dalawang oras. Tantiya niya ay may alas-diyes na ng gabi.

(itutuloy…)

2004-06-07T03:51:00.000-07:00

Drama Queen: Act 2 Scene 1 :: Sandals, yosi, alak at pag-ibig

Due to an enormous flood of kabangan and an intense recollection of my much-wrecked heart (caused by 3 failed relationships), I have decided to set the ink for a story (it IS a fiction, ok?) to ease the sudden rush of all the pain and memories of kagagahan. Ever since I was a child, I have developed this habit of writing poetry, stories, essays, and momentous-nothings whenever the pangs of loneliness and the claws of pain succeed in wounding me, or should I say, do well in opening and re-opening the lesions that I assume were long healed.

Anyhow, here's the fic. I haven't finished it yet, and so I'm going to cut into a few series and publish the installments every other day until I finish the entire plot. This won't be relatively short, nor extremely long.

Sandals, yosi, alak at pag-ibig :: Part I

“Pucha ano un?!” sigaw ni Magie kay Gilbert nang biglang tumigil ang Honda Civic na sakay nila. Nasa tabi ng driver’s seat si Mags, at si Gilbert naman ang nagmamaneho nang biglang namatay ang makina, at sa kamalasan ay tumama pa sa isang may kalakihang bato sa gilid ng daan. Nasubsob ang dalaga sa kinauupuan.

Bata pa sila ni Gil nang magkakilala. Pareho pang may mga uhog at naka panty at briefs lang kung makipaglaro. Tantiya niya ay mga apat taon siya noon at si Gilbert ay anim. Ni hindi na nga niya maala kung paano sila eksaktong nagkakilala, ngunit sigurado siyang naglalaro na sila bago pa siya pumunta sa Maynila.

Naaalala rin niyang sabay nilang iniyakan ni Gil, ang mga pang-musmos na kalungkutan ng paghihiwalay. Mabuti na lamang at lingguhan pa rin ang uwi nila, kaya naman nagging malapit pa rin sila.

Halos 11 years na pala silang magkabarkada.

“Naku Mags, natuyuan tayo ng gas,” may himig pagbibiro pang tugon ni Gil.
“Hindi kaya nakakatawa,” sabay irap pa ni Mags.
“Hindi nga, wala na talagang gas. Walang ibang choice kung hindi…” sinadya ni Gil na ibitin ang sasabihin, tumingin ng makahulugan sa mga paa ni Mags, at saka ngumisi nang nakakaloko.

“Naku, kung hindi ako pagtutulakin ay paglalakarin ako ng loko,” bulong ni Mags sa sarili. Ibinaba niya ang salamin sa bintana niya at sinubukang tanawin ang bahay ng pinsang si Ate Roa mula sa kinauupuan at ng asawa nitong si Kuya Ike. Fiesta kasi sa baranggay na tinitirhan ng mga ito, at inimbitahan siyang maki salu-salo. Aba siyempre ay kailangang kasama ang buddy niyang si Gilbert, ang all-around friend, driver at kung minsan ay yaya niya. Sa kamalas-malasan naman ay nasa pinakadulo ng baryo ang bahay ng pinsan, sa tabi ng malaking palaisdaan na pag-aari rin ng mga ito. Hindi pa nga umabot ang kuryente roon. Mabuti na lamang at may generator ang pinsan na lingguhang pinapa-charge sa bayan.

Malayu-layo pa; sa tantiya niya ay may halos 500 meters pa ang kanilang dapat lakarin kung nais nilang bumalik.

“Hoy Gil hindi ako maglalakad ha, at lalong hindi ako magtutulak.” Tumalikod na ang dalaga at kinapa ang bag para sa kanyang cellphone. Pagkapunta sa Write Message ay tinext ang ka-MU na si Steve at pinindot ang: “wow. We got stuck in the middle of the road. Take note, liblib. Several hundred meters from my couz’s haws. Shees.” Options. Send message. Message sent.

Katahimikan. Ngayong hindi na umuugong ang makina ng kotse ay rinig na rinig na ang malamyos na ingay na ginagawa ng mga kuliglig, ngunit nakakabingi pa rin ang katahimikan. Inilabas ni Mags ang ulo sa bintana at tumingala. Gumuhit sa kaninang aburidong mukha ni Mags ang isang ngiti ng makitang may bahagyang ilaw na iniaalay ang iilang mga bitwing sa madilim na paligid at kalangitan.

Naalala niya noong mga bata pa sila ni Gil. Tandang tanda pa niya. Uupo sila sa harap ng gate nila Rence at maghihintay hanggang lumabas ang mga bitwin. Bibilangin nila ang mga iyon sa abot ng kanilang makakaya at titigil kapag nahilo na sa kakabilang. Tatawa. Magkukwentuhan. Magtatawanan. Mga bagay na normal na ginagawa ng mga bata. Lalong napangiti si Mags, at bumalik na sa dating pagkakaupo. Nilingon niya ang kaibigan na naglalaro ngayon ng Game Boy, at saka ibinalik muli ang tingin sa daang hindi gumagalaw. Nakatutuwang isipin na kahit na ngayong mga nagbibinata’t nagdadalaga na sila ay ginagawa pa rin nila iyon. Ang pag-upo sa harap ng gate, ang mga bitwin…

“Take a little time baby, see the butterfly’s colors…” pinutol ng boses ng South Border ang pagmumuni-muni ni Mags. Iyon kasi ang message tone niya. Iritang tiningnan ni Mags ang cell phone. One message received. Open. From: Steve.

Message: “naku. mahal, cno ba ksma mo ngaun? Call ur parents kaya? I’m so worried… if I cud just be there with u right now… mahal kta.. txtback..”

Nakilala niya si Steve sa SM Megamall. Naglilibot sila ng mga kaklase niya noon. Sa Maynila na kasi nag-aaral si Mags, at pauwi-uwi lang siya sa Laguna tuwing weekend at bakasyon. Naaalala niyang limang taon siya nang lumipat sila sa Maynila at duon na siya nagsimulang mag-aral ng nursery, kinder, elementary,at ngayon nga ay high school.Pero sa puso’t isipan ay taga roon na rin siya.

Mabalik tayo kay Steve. Conyo nga ito. Kita nman sa pgtetext diba. Nakaupo siya sa may Chowking sa Megamall noon nang biglang dumaan ito at naglitanyang “Miss, I’m sorry to disturb… but cud I please ask a favor?” Lintek, ingglesero pa! “What is it?” tanong naman ni Mags na agad napansing may hitsura ang lalaki. Mukhang high school pa rin, at mukhang may kaya. Inilabas nung nung guy yung cellphone niya. 6600. wow. Naka-off ito. “My phone’s batt drained na kasi. And I need to text someone whom I’m meeting with today. Important lang tlga. I mean, I could just pay para nman ndi masayadong nkaka…” tinaas ni Mags ang isang kamay para putulin ang ano pa mang sasabihin ng binata. “No need for that. Eto o, text ka na,” hirit ni Mags, sabay ngiti nang matamis. Aba, saying din noh. May hitsura e. E kung pangit ba nman pag-aaksayahan niya ng kanyang ngiting kumukuti-kutitap? “thanks!” anang binatang sa tantiya niya ay mga 5’8”-5’9”. Maputi. Clean cut ang buhok. Pagkatapos maisend ang message ay ibinalik kaagad ng “hunk” ang phone niya.

“Hindi na magrereply yan. By the way, I’m Steven. Steve nalang,” ang nakangiting pagpapakilala ni Steve, sabay abot ng kamay. “Magie.Call me Mags,” ang tugon naman ni Mags, at inabot ang kamay ng lalake. Pagkatapos magtanungan ng mga background (“San skul mo?” “Anong year ka na?” “Sang banda ka sa Metro Manila?”) ay magalang na nagpasalamat na si Steve at sinabing kailangan na niyang umalis.

Pagkaalis ng bagong crush ni Mags ay tinignan niya ang cellphone at nagpunta sa Sent Items. To: *************. Walang laman ang message. Nagkibit-balikat nalng siya at pinagpatuloy ang paghihintay sa mga kaibigan na siyang umorder ng kakainin. Maya-maya pa at may nagtext sa kaniya. From: ************* “Aba, ung no. nung tinxt ni Rhineheart..” Ang message: Hi miss mags. Steve here. I got ur no. na. J U I hope u’r not mad…” Imbis na magalit o mainis ay napangiti at kinilig pa si Mags. Dun na nagsimula ang ibayong communication nila ni Steve. Text. Tawagan. Chat. Text. Tawagan. Chat. At pag may pagkakataon ay nagkikita sa mall.

O ayan, tapos na tayo sa background ng pagkakakilala nina Mags at Rhine.

Balik tayo sa kasalukuyang nangyayari sa itinadhanang gabing iyon.

“Lintek.” For the first time, hindi kinilig si Mags sa text ni Steve. Nabwisit pa nga siya dahil naputol yung mga iniisip niya. Pero hala, kailangang magreply. Options. Reply. “ksama c gilbert. ung knkwento ko saung kababata ko. don’t worry we’ll be fine. I’l txt u when we’re okay na. Thanks,” ang walang kalatuy-latoy na reply nia. Sending message. Message sent.

“Mags, anong oras na?” ang tanong ng kanina pa walang kibong si Gil.

“7:20. Bakit?” balik na tanong naman ng nagtatakang si Mags. Medyo naninibago siya sa kilos ng kababata ngayon. Tilo tahimik ito, at may himig ng pangamba, ngunit tantiya niya ay pilit itong itinatago ng kaibigan.

“Wala naman,” ang sagot ni Gil. “Kailangan lang nating magtulak ng konti pabalik sa bahay ng pinsan mo. May gas pa yatang reserve si Kuya Ike. Hindi na tayo aabot sa Petron e.” “Naku patay na,” sa isip ni Mags, “e kanina pa nananakit ang paa ko ditto sa sapatos ko. Hindi kaya mamaltos ang paa o kaya naman binti ko ditto?!” Tila naman nahulaan ni Gil ang iniisip niya kaya dali-dali nitong hinubad ang suot na leather sandals at inihagis sa paanan ni Mags. “Nahihiya ka pa e. Hehehe. Sige na isuot mo na yan,” tatawa-tawang sabi ni Gil. “naku, wag na. Magpapaa na lang ako. Baka mamaya magsugat pa talampakan mo sa talim ng mga bato sa daan e sisihin mo pa ako,” ang pakipot namang tugon ni Mags. “Tigas talaga ng ulo nito. Dali na. Dali na. Iwan na lang natin tong sasakyan ditto. Total naka-lock naman, tska wala nang dumadaan ditto nang gantiong oras,” ang seryoso nang wika ni Gilbert. Wala nang nagawa si mags kung hindi sumang-ayon, kaya dahan-dahan niyang tinanggal; ang sneakers na Hush Puppies at maingat na inilapag sa sahig ng sasakyan. Isinuot niya ang sandals ng kaibigan, at napansing may kalakihan ito para sa size nia, pero pwede na, kesa naman sa wala.

Dinampot ni Gil ang kaha ng Malboro Lights na nakahiga sa dashboard ng sasakyan, at sabay nilang itinulak palabas ang mga pintong malapit sa kanila. Kay Mags, ang kanang. Kay Gilbert, yung kaliwa. Unang tapak pa lamang ni Gil ay naramdaman na niya ang sakit ng pagtapak sa bato. Ngunit, katulad ng lagi niyang sinasabi sa sarili, hindi siya pwdeng magpakita ng kahit na kaunting anyo ng kahinaan, o ng sakit na nararamdaman. Maging mga sugat man ito sa damdamin, o sa katawang araw-araw na nakasabak sa digmaan, ay ito na ang sinanay niyang sundin ng puso’t katawan. Siniguro niya munang ang susi ay nasa bulsa ng pantaloon bago ni-lock ang bawat pinto ng kotse.

***to be continued….

2004-05-31T03:13:00.000-07:00

Kapihan Forum: a bagful of momentous zilch :: I will bring you to my castle.. (english version of regine's Dadalhin hehe..)

And so i have left the engine running for some weeks now. guess i better start the driving before i run out of gas.

alright. let me start by making it known (as if!!! hehehe) to everyone reading this blog entry that the buttefly has decided on which course to take (read: write down on my UPCAT application form and eventually take if, and only if, i pass the UPCAT) in college (hopefully UP..)

tadaaa.. BA Journalism.

Oh well. I confess and admit that I'm not the journalist of the year. I am not a Goddess in English (heck, where could you find an English diety who could not even spell dilemma and attachment? hehehe.. although i've always been a lousy speller, to start with)as well. I'm just another student inclined to writing and speaking, regardless of what other people might say. i mean, hey. we ought to speak, and more importantly write, to express and not to impress.

i know of one person who would write and do anything to be recognized - which, if i may say so, includes a basic training in structuring a castle (ndi candle ha..)in the wind and fabricating (ui! parang sa senate!) chronicles; finish this seminar with flying colors and ola! just like that creature, you could hold a degree in Creative Writing by the time you are 16 or so.

let us all get real. (credits to ruthie! c", attagirl! love ya)

so much for this. :)

God bless everyone!

2004-05-17T06:50:00.000-07:00

Kapihan Forum: A bagful of momentous zilch :: THE DILLEMA

What, what, what on earth would i write on my UP application form which clearly asks for first, second and nth (this one i'm not sure of) choice courses?!

Okay. I have already set the ink on the rest of the parts of the form, but why, oh why on earth can't i not write anything on this section?

Don't get me wrong. I have my plans in life and I certainly have my courses of choice as well. Problem is, I cannot seem to write it down on the precious Up application form because it would signal a finality in my decision, which, by the way, is very crucial for my future.

I have listed courses which I think would bevery well be good pre-law courses, and out of which I picked those which really interest me.

BA Political Science
BA Psychology
BA Business Administration with Accountancy (5 years)
BA Mass Communication (kaso sa UP Visayas yata toh.. hahaha..)

So please, I'm asking anybody who is reading this article to help me out.. If you could please enlighten me.. please.. Thank you..

PS: THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to Kuya Omar, for recommending Political Science, and Kuya Json Clemente, for recommending Accountancy.. Thank you so very much for the support and the guidance.. :)

2004-05-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

Music for the butterfly's soul :: a song for Ely

Before I start, let me just inform you that this is not plainly an LSS (Last Song Syndrome.) It is, in fact, a song for my best friend who is in the States right now.

Karl is one of the greatest friends that I have ever had. We lost communication for almost a year mainly because I avoided him, or should I say, I intended not to call, text or visit him for some reasons that aren't bold enough to be posted here. Anyhow, communication was restored sometime before our barakda reunion. Funny how it seems, the first time that we talked after almost a year of blackout, it seemed that nothing had changed (his voice was deeper, and mine was a bit shaky and husky, though). There were the old asarans. Lost time, stories, memories and things that friends are supposed to share were recounted.

He has the same laugh. That same I-don't-care-how-I-look-or-sound-when-I-laugh-because-I-feel-like-it-so-get-your-ass-off-here-if-you-don't-like-it, parang-wala-nang-bukas laugh. I missed that.

I would get to the other parts of the story (especially the account of my barkada's escapades) some other time because I'm not much into the mood of writng about it right now.

Anyhow, like what I have said earlier, he is in the States right now for his family's (annual, i think) vacation. And so I got him something from Blue Magic (sort of a have-a-safe-trip gift) and asked TJ to deliver it to him. I also enclosed a card (er, letter) with a personal message. Hmmm, we're all starting to miss him even just now.

He left just last Sunday, May 2. He would be staying there for a month, and so we would be keeping in touch just through e-mail.

Anyhow, this is the song whose lyrics I included in my letter to him.

The Reason
by Hoobastank

i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear

i'm not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you

i found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know.. a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you

I love this song.

2004-04-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

Drama Queen: Scene 1 Acts 1 and 2 :: Confessions of a Drama Queen

I originally was planning to rant (read: i chose the word rant, coz it frequently denotes the act of talking about something that actually don't concern u.. NOTE: pardon me, to those out there who have other connotations of this word. this was strictly fished out from my vocabulary. yep. my not-so-acceptable-yet-I-trust-it-so-bear-with-it vocabulary) on the book that my good friend had lent me. Its title is DRAMA QUEEN (sounds familiar? try checking out flashy billboards all over Manila and u'll find a movie with the same title, but alongside it are pictures of a very pretty girl. nah. they're too different works.), written by Abi Aquino (which means that this one is local).

I had already decided that it would make a good blog item when my rely-on-it-to-ruin-you're-life-and-perfect-blog-entry, commonly known as the heart, came knocking on my senses' doors and asked me, the master, or mistress in that case, to write about its tragedy instead. Oh well.

So ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to another episode of Jemimah Grace N. Garcia's Damsel in Distress (read: not!!) act. Really, kidding aside, I believe I would have turned out to be one of the most eligible drama queens around.

Act 1

tra[s]h. trash - n.
1.
a. Worthless or discarded material or objects; refuse or rubbish.
b. Something broken off or removed to be discarded, especially plant trimmings.
c. The refuse of sugar cane after extraction of the juice.
2. A place or receptacle where rubbish is discarded: threw the wrapper in the trash.
3.
a. Empty words or ideas.
b. Worthless or offensive literary or artistic material.
c. Disparaging, often abusive speech about a person or group.
4. A person or group of people regarded as worthless or contemptible.

I couldn’t have asked for a more detailed and precise definition. Hrm. I honestly felt that way for quite some time. But I don’t wanna talk about the reason anymore. It has been settled, and tell you what, I came to realize, once again, that it probably was just partly brought up by some symptoms of being a drama queen (ehem..) – exaggerating (probably) and thorough longing for affection.

Several nights before, Act 1 on the drama queen’s life had been finished – with flying colors, if I may say so. I’d also take this opportunity to apologize to my kuya for being such a brat, and a selfish one to be specific, and for calling myself ‘trash’ just because I thought he treats me like one. :: I appreciate all the things that you’ve done for me, and the things you said that night would forever be etched in my heart. Thanks, kuya. ::

Hmm. Act 2.

Yes. I know how it is to love and to lose. I know how it is to sit beside the telephone all day just waiting for somebody’s call. I know how it is to text somebody text messages, (“good am!” ”good pm!” “nd2 ako sa…” “musta ka?”…), and spend the rest of the day anticipating for even just one single message from that somebody – how to be tempted to text that somebody “Hi! I’m dying here… care to text back?” – then spend the whole night sulking and puffing my eyes out with a king-size box of Kleenex to accompany my not-so-lucky-when-it-comes-to-being-loved self.

What hurts the most is the fact that that “somebody” resides in the hugest lot in your heart. And he/she has taken away a huge chunk of it with him/her.
I know how it is to experience this things. Many of us do. Because most, if not all of us, have all suffered and pained in the name of “love.”

I used to consider myself a typical hey-look-the-girl-still-loves-the-guy-though-he-doesn’t-love-her martyr, but now, I’ve a different perspective about myself when it comes to my emotional/romantic side. Yes. I think that I’m being selfish here. I totally get affected and yes, feel that I deserve more blah blah blah whenever that somebody would hurt me.

But I had not given thought about what he might have been going through that moment, and what I could have done to help him. Instead, I blamed that somebody for the pain I went through.

Now, I have realized that I was very wrong. And yes, I was selfish. “I love him and there’s nothing else in this world that could make me happier than for him to love me too” had always unconsciously been my sentiment. I am being honest about this mistake. I realized now that if you really love someone, you should go for the things that make him happy, not the things that make you happy. After all, what you said was “I love you,” not, “love me too.”

I do love and I still will continue to do so. Right now I am broken-hearted but I know that God is using this hurt to mold me into a better person. I will try to lift this burden unto the Lord, just like what Kuya Omar has said, and I know that the God of Heavens would eventually give the peace and comfort that I have always wanted.

It hurt a lot, and it still hurts until now. But I know that this too shall pass.
I won’t be leaving him – that’s for sure. I would just be giving him space, walking 5 meters behind him. I would always just be there to smile with him in his every happiness, to cry with him in his every sorrow, and just there loving him from a distance.

I would continue to love him until it hurts no more. I would continue to love him until finally, I, too, would be loved. I don’t know by whom, but I know that someday I would wake up with a memory of an unrequited love and a period of being lifted by God, and with a huge smile plastered on my face.

I know that I will, somehow, someday, surpass this test, emerging successfully as still the person that I am right now and the person that I was before – only a lot better, stronger, and probably, happier. :)

Kapihan Forum: a bagful of momentous zilch ::: a milestone for an HTML tyro

2004-04-23T06:56:00.001-07:00

Kapihan Forum: a bagful of momentous zilch ::: a milestone for an HTML tyro

Okay. Welcome to the modified (er, improved?) face of my blog. Hmmm.. remodeling the face of this blog is a task that I had tried (unsuccessfully) several times already before, and that is due to some mental disturbances and my hey-don't-disturb-me-can't-you-see-I'm-taking-a-nap-coz-you-are-so-boring times during HTML lessons in Comsci. As you might have noticed, my former blog was EYE-SHOCKING (my word) because of the red and black touches that could have been easily mocked and changed for the sake of saving one's face by any third year individual.

Sad to say that I have accumulated a very small portion of knowledge on HTML.

Hmmm.. you might ask: but how d'ya manage to do this whole make-over? simple. MAGIC. nah, just kidding. hmmm bsta. hours and hours infront of my pc, desperately copying and pasting, copying and pasting, copying and pasting.. and so on. Until whoa! Eureeka! hehehe.. I've produced a blog that is now decent and not-so-much-eye-aggravating-as-the-former. Hope you like it.

Okay, I must admit. One of the facotrs that contributed to this so called "blog revamp" is the fact that my classmates' (Burbankers') blogs (that is, speaking about the layout, colors, face) are decent and lovable while mine is rubbish and nostalgic. It is a shame on my part that I am the first to create a blog amongst the now so-called (Elite, ching!) Circle of Burbank Bloggers (or should it be Bloggists? whatever..), but mine is the shabbiest. So I guess you understand why I strived to improve this.

I know this new look is not superb, or even comparable with the others, but I think that it will do.

Hmm... now about the articles. Since I have been suffering from a major brain damage, I haven't finished my supposed long-ago article Confessions of a teenage drama queen - my version of it. Yes. And i feel so very bad about this delay. Hmm but I'm trying to string my thoughts and words together right now so that I'd be able to publish it tomorrow.

Update:::

My Blog's Nomenclature

Drama Queen Act _ Scene _
==> this one would be the heading/title of entries containing my personal thoughts, feelings, insights, dramas, etc.

Write or left? I choose write
==>this would be the heading/title of entries which are roped on experiences, gimmicks, getaways, or even just plain narration of a story or two, and others.

Music for the butterfly's soul
==> this one would be heading/title of (obviously,) entries which are mainly lyrics of songs that soothe my soul.

Kapihan Forum: a bagful of momentous zilch
==> this would be the heading/title of entries that basically do not coincide with descriptions posted above. In short, here goes all artiks which are written out of nowhere. A perfect example of it would be this very post that I'm writing (typing..) right now. hihihi... :)

Next Attraction: Drama Queen, Act 1: Confessions of a drama queen - my version of it

`til next time. I'm audi.

"i guess i need you baby.."
-=butterfly=-
``signing off

happy birthday, our dear quasi!!

2004-04-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

hrm. i really did not have any plans of posting anything today since i'm still suffering from a major brain damage. yep, u goit it right. brain damage. but hey, how could i let this day pass without greeting our dear nickalo?

ok, here it goes.

happy birhtday nickabell!! today, another candle is officially added on your precious cake called life. i hope that it's flame sheds the right light to help you walk through life sans stumblings nor wounds. i'm speaking metaphorically here, but i sure do know that you get the message.

i love you my friend!!

p.s. my, my,my.. so, you had successfully thrown a blockade to our plans of besieging your house, and, uh, in that case, your refrigerator and kitchen!! but no, you cannot rejoice yet.. tomorrow's lunch is on you, dude!! hahaha.. just kidding.. (but hey, d'ya know that JOKES ARE HALF-MEANT?...) labshu!!

something to watch out for:
CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN - MY VERSION

waiting

2004-04-14T05:59:00.001-07:00

kadarating ko lang mula sa outing ng burbank sa pansol, laguna. i've no plans of ranting tonight (read: tonight, so i guess i'l be writing about it tomorrow) on the specifics of the gimmick because of some brain blackout. harhar. I guess I'd just be posting tonight about the things that I felt while spending almost two days outside the city.

I definitely missed someone. That had been quite evident. I resorted to howling until somebody gave me that someone's number so that I could text him (you see, I still haven't got a phone.. :<) Obviously, my wailing had failed. I missed that someone even more. I wished back there that, despite the odds, that we were both staring at that exact same spot on the dark skies (i don't remember seeing stars last night), even though we were miles apart - and I wished that he missed me too. But then, i had reality's sharp fangs biting on my shoulders: dream on. sigh.

Hrm.. That night was long. As everyone, including myself, was having a great time doing crazy stuff and doing the hey-look-i'm-swimming-like-I-haven't-swam-for-the-last-ten-years moves, I suddenly had the urge to excuse myself for a while from the hubbub.. and so I left the waters and sat for about 20 minutes at the poolside. Moments before that kasi, i had been staring at ___ and I found myself mesmerized by his ways - the way he talks, the way he swims, and the way he carries his look-he-must-have-been-going-to-the-gym-lately body. I had been having a crush on him for quite some time now. I knew from the very start that it was a plain, pure, tad crush. I had been pretty sure about that.

But last night, I wasn't so sure anymore.

Oh well. That's life. I'm starting to think that as much as I don't understand why the asymptotes, parabola, gaps and the axes are included in a complicated graph in Advance Algrebra, I cannot understand what I'm feeling right now.

Eto pa ang pampagulo sa lahat. Right now, "someone" is dominating my system. I miss him, really. Our previous escapades to Rob had been and will continue to remain as some of my happiest moments here on earth. Dumating pa nga ung point dati na tuwing pupunta ako sa ROb, una peacefula nd calm para sa akin ang paligid, but then I would eventually cry. Lahat ng sulok ng Rob na makita ko, naaala ko siya. Naaala ko siya... at naiisip ko na dati-rati, kasama ko siyang nilalakad ung wing na un. Ang sakit nun.

Right Here Waiting
written by Richard Marx

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

to "someone": I guess this song says it all.

Right now, all I feel is pain.

"I love you... though your love is not mine, I tell myself not to cry coz I think that you're happy.. I love you and I'm hanging on just that - loving you - and the finest thread of hope that could snap any time. i love you coz I really do, and even if you can't love me to, I'm still here...damn in love with you." -=butterfly=-

of vacation and homesickness

2004-04-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

My family and I am spending 2 days here in Bataan and another 2 days in NUeva Ecija.. talk about two of the eight provinces represented in our national flag.

We are actually at an aunt's place right now, and this pc that I'm currently using is my cousin's. He's awfully cute, mind you. We've been close since childhood, just like the rest of my cousins.

I'm gonna make this entry a brief one since we'll be going swimming in just a little while. Hrm.. I'm starting to miss my friends, specially the fourth year people and of course, BURBANK.

I hope to see you guys soon!

I'm having a great time spending my vacation outside that noisy confines of Metro Manila, but I'm certainly getting homesick.

God bless us all.

"I'd fight for you. You know it's true.. everything I do, I do it for you.."
-=butterfly=-

Burbank: you're the best thing that ever happened to me...

2004-04-07T04:00:00.001-07:00

Burbz, mahal ko kaio...
mahal ko kaio..

ANG BUHAY KO... III-BURBANK

excited na ako sa outing natin! i miss you guys!
mahal ko kaio!

BURBANK DOMINATION!!!

2004-04-04T23:13:00.001-07:00

i am thankful for this person who have unintentionally put my heart into words. please read on, so that you'd get to understand how I feel.

Story : Ikaw at Ako sa Dilim
Contributed by istaRr (Edited by amplifier)
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 @ 11:01:32 PM (read 2172 times)
Print | Send

Sa wakas… naintindihan na rin kita.
Noong nangangapa lang ako sa dilim, takot na takot ako. Ilang beses rin akong natisod at nasugatan kasi lakad ako ng lakad… galaw ako ng galaw… wala naman akong nakikita. Isinisigaw ko ang pangalan mo, pero wala ka… hindi ka dumarating. Gusto kitang habulin pero hindi ko alam kung saan ka na nagpunta. Masakit. Mahirap. Akala ko tuluyan mo na ‘kong iniwan. Akala ko wala na akong halaga. Kapag nasa dilim ka--- walang makita at walang malinaw na mahagap, nakatitisod at nakagagalos talaga. At dadagdag ng dadagdag ang mga masasakit na sugat, na lalong humahapdi sa bawat patak ng luha na nag-uunahang kumawala.

Mabuti na lang, sa kasisigaw ko ng pangalan mo… narinig mo rin ako. Pero hindi ka sumigaw pabalik. Impit… bulong na lang ang narinig ko, at muntik ko pang hindi narinig.

Ang hindi ko alam…

Nasa dilim ka rin pala.

Itinapon tayong dalawa sa isang kawalan na balot ng nakapanlulumong itim. Hindi ko lang alam kung nasan ka, pero kagaya ko--- may dilim ka ring pinipilit talunin… nangangapa, natitisod, at nasusugatan ka rin. Marahil mas malalim pa nga ang mga sugat mo. Hiyang- hiya ako sa sarili ko dahil pumayag akong isipin kong iniwan mo ako. Yun pala, nawawala ka rin. Patawarin mo ako.

Nalito ako--- hahanapin at hahabulin ba kita gayong hindi ko naman alam kung sa’n ako pupunta… pero dahil nga gumagalaw ka rin, bagama’t nasa dilim, baka lalo lang tayong hindi magpang-abot. O pipirmi ba ako, at hihintaying mahanap mo, habang hinihilom ng oras at nakapanghahapding luha ang mga sugat nating dalawa?

Pareho nating hindi alam kung paano magagapi ang dilim. At baka nga hindi talaga natin siya kayang talunin. Hindi ko kaya, hindi mo kaya. Kahit gaano natin pilitin… Mahirap talaga. Masakit. Nakakalito. Pero wala tayong magawa.

Ngayon… tama na sa akin ang narinig kong binanggit mo ang pangalan ko. Kahit na gaano kahina ang impit na yaon. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kahalaga na nalaman kong kahit na nasa dilim, kahit na mahirap… hinahanap mo rin ako. At kahit kailan ay hindi mo ako iniwan… pinipilit mo lang rin na makakita at malayang makagalaw bilang IKAW, na hindi ngayon pinahihintulutan ng dilim.

Isa lang ang alam ko, isa lang ang malinaw. Hindi ako naniniwalang itinadhanang maghari ang dilim sa matagal na panahon. Magliliwanag rin. Hindi ko alam kung sabay itong sisinag sa atin, o mauuna ito sa iyo, o sa akin.

Kung sabay ang pagliwanag ng mundo sa atin, mabuti. Kung mauuna ito sa iyo, hanapin mo ako. Pinili kong pumirmi at hintayin ka, at labanan ang sakit. Sana, sa panahong yaon, tuluyan nang hinilom ng mga luha ang mga sugat natin. Hihintayin kita. Kahit anong mangyari. Titiisin ko ang dilim. Dahil mahal kita. Kung una ang pagsinag sa akin, sa unang sandali pa lang na makita at maramdaman ko ang liwanag, hahanapin kaagad kita. At sasagipin kita sa dilim na matagal na bumilanggo sa atin.

Maghintay lang tayo. Magliliwanag rin. Makagagalaw ka rin bilang ikaw, at ako bilang ako, dahil wala na ang dilim.

At kung akala ng dilim ay natalo niya tayo, mali siya…

##########

this article is actually from peyups. i still don't understand how two total strangers can actually share the same sentiment... the one who wrote this told all the things that I was/still am too afraid to admit.

Hihintayin kita. Kahit anong mangyari. Titiisin ko ang dilim. Dahil mahal kita.

Masakit, sa totoo lang. But I am not about to give up on something that I've silently been holding on to all this time.

"when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me"

2004-04-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

2004-04-04T07:22:00.001-07:00

There's gotta be more to life

Yeah yeah...oh...oh....

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived.
I go up, I come down, and I'm emptier inside.
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
and why can't I let it go?

Chorus:
There's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure.
There's gotta be more...
than wanting more.

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment, I'm halfway out the door.
On to the next thing, I'm searching
for something that's missing.

Chorus:
There's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure.

There's gotta be more...
I'm wanting more.
I'm always waiting on something other than this.
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed?

Chorus:
There's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure.
There's gotta be more...
than wanting more.

Chorus:
There's gotta be more to life
than chasing down every temporary high
to satisfy me.
Cuz the more that I'm
trippin' up thinking there must be more to life.
Well it's life, but I'm sure...

(There's gotta be more) More...ooh yeah..
(More) More to
(To) More to
(Life) More to life...(yeah)
(There' s got be more to life) More to
More to life...
(More) More to
(To) More to
(Life...yeah) There's gotta be more...
(There's gotta be more to life)Oooh...
More to life...

I dunno, this song just popped into my mind, and so I posted it here.

I love you.

And I'm not about to give up on that love. Even though the pain is excruciating, I am willing to suffer. There's gotta be more to life.. that's true. But really, WHAT IS LIFE WIHTOUT YOU? I can't even imagine... that's why I am clinging to that 30.

"I want to touch your face while saying this: "i know that you're not mine... but my heart says that i'm yours... i cannot even hold u this time and tel you how much i love u...." I am hoping that the right time will come for us to be together..so i can say again this words to you: i love you."

sigh.

2004-04-02T21:07:00.001-08:00

Je t'aime...
Wo ie ni
Kimi o ai shiteru
aNEE oHEIVET oTKHA

Do you get my message?..

2004-04-02T21:07:00.000-08:00

Je t'aime

2004-04-02T05:02:00.000-08:00

How do i love thee? Let me count the ways

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

wahahaha... I just came acoss this on the net and decided that it would make a great blog item... (read: I lied!!! hahahahaha...) Actually, I was looking for some very inspiring poems (don't ask why) because I'm emotionally low myself. Although this poem did not coincide with my objective, I found it really romantic...

I'm getting mushy here!!! waaaaahh..

Hmmm... Happenings for the day... We went to Rob to celebrate JL's victory over injustice... hahaha... If you wanna know what that meant, you'll have to go figure it by yourself... Hmmm I love Popeyes!! Kaso parang nagka-bikig sa lalamunan ko. Gutom ako pero hindi ako makakain. Kumain ako pero pilit na pilit, pero gutom ako ha!! ano ba toh..

Umiyak din ako sa Gbox. hay. sakin nalang kung bakit.

Why do i get butterflies on my stomach whenever you're around?

2004-04-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

The difference between LOVE and OBESESSION

LOVE
n.
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.

A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
often Love Christianity. Charity.
Sports. A zero score in tennis.

v. loved, lov·ing, loves
v. tr.
To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): We love our parents. I love my friends.
To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.

To embrace or caress.
To have sexual intercourse with.
To like or desire enthusiastically: loves swimming.
Theology. To have charity for.
To thrive on; need: The cactus loves hot, dry air.

ob·ses·sion n.
Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

There you have it. Straight from the dictionary. In all honesty, I say that we, among all people, know the difference between the two. Yes. Even more than YOU do. You know why?

Because all of us, (including YOU) even just for once in our lives, became obsessed, in every single possible way, if I may say. But WE also, experienced the transformation of this vain feeling into LOVE. We're obsessed with our section. What's the problem with that? We love our section. We love III - Burbank.

You know what, JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. Because certainly, we're not minding yours.

BURBANK DOMINATION. No one, even YOU, can make us remove this from our quit messages, our topics and our conversations - because this is a truth that we hold dear in our hearts. We dominate - not only because of any earthly or academic reason, but because we have shown love and unity that nothing in this world could shatter.

I believe that you shouldn't have a problem with that.

Then again, we are also 05ers. Nobody amongst us is disowning that fact. You know what? Some of you might even be the ones who are discriminating us. It is not the other way around.

Let us go in the way we shuould. After all, you've already taught us once that we could stand on our own. We didn't want this, to be honest. Who wants to be secluded from the world?! We wanted to reach out. We wanted to.

I just hope that next year, nobody again would talk like Poncius Pilate. Coz really, whoever you are, you are making a big fool out of yourself.

Let us all prove that we are all 05ers.

Yes, even we, the people branded as "conceited" and "obsessed" are 05ers.

God Bless us all.

2004-03-31T22:49:00.003-08:00

A BAYWALK TO REMEMBER

nothing's better than spending a sunny afternoon and then watching the sun set at Baywalk with your friends, family and barkada - III-BURBANK.

an afternoon highlighted with the sun's early setting, probably because Patrick was around, and the burbz' surge of memories and fondness, it was surely a Baywalk to remember.

We met up infront of the school at about 9:30 in the morning where we all planned to submit late requirements which were needed for our clearance, but unfortunately, the teachers were not interested in accepting requirements then so kuya Japo decided that we all pass on Friday.We headed to Rob to be able to catch up with the first screening of The Passion of The Christ, which, by the way, happened to have it's first day of showing here in the Philippines yesterday. At about 10:35 pm, we all had our tickets already, and since we still had enough time to still buy some refreshments (read: BAON!), we dashed to the supermarket where almost everyone spent only about 50.00 or less, a considerably cheap amount compared to what it'll cost us if we had bought from the cinema rob-my-pocket store. We went in at 10:50 and waited for 11:10, the first time slot for the show.

2 tearful hours passed and we went out of the movie house with a couple of wet hankies and some revitalized hearts. Jesus surely spoke to everyone who watched. I love Jesus now more than I ever did before.

I won't write a review about the movie since admittedly, I've never tried doing one on any movie before, and I really don't think I'll be good at it. I'll leave it for Vincent (panda!) to do, since he's really good in doing reviews. I liked his review on Gothika.

To continue with my story, we went to Gbox where the Dance Maniacs (us) danced our booties away infront of the machine that had been a witness to too many dance freaks and trying-hard geeks alike. Yep. We again gathered around the Dance Maniax, the ultimate machine for frustrated people. Just kidding.

We then headed for Baywalk. We first had some picturetaking in the park where we all posed infront of the fountain and the monument of some rajah.
We ran like children having their first fieldtrip outside school towards the walk... The sign which told the civilians when to walk or not to walk across the street even had a timer... It was my first time to see one, and I was so amazed! (Talk about a technology wastebasket.. haha..)

We spent the next four hours just sitting on the tiled borders of the walk. Mainit ung iupuan namin, naka nga magka-kabag kami e. But we couldn't care less. It was non-officially our last day. Hay. The sunset was really beautiful.

Nga pla.. the place was awesome, specially when night came.. The neon lights from the nearby lamps and the multi-colored fountain across the road blended perfectly with the darkness which visually and silently reminded us that there is still a hope for III-Burbank. As everyblody knows, we were divided into 3 sections for next year - Newton, Faraday and Moseley - which, by the way, are the first, second and third section of fourth year batch '05, respectively.

At about 7:30, tita Rexie came and conducted a feeding program for the very much impoverished people of iii-Burbank. Really! The last time we ate was about two o'clock in the afternoon. Could anyone blame us for being so hungry and for finishing a tray-full of lasagna and a box of cake?! hahaha..

Hmmm... We left baywalk at 8:00 and Azalea, Randolph, Donalyn and I got on the jeepney headed for Espana at 8:30. Nilibre kami ni Randolph!!! Hahahaha.. It's a good thing that he did not become pressured (prrrt...) or anything of the sort...

I reached home at about 9:00 and talked to EJ for a while on the phone. My conversation with Vincent over the phone was cut twice - first, because of an urgent phone call that my mom needed to make (video city), and the second, because my dad got mad at me. Mind you, he pounded the phone's most crucial part (read: ung pinipindot pag ibababa mo na ung phone) like a mad person. I did not even get to finish my hurried "ei pinapababa na ni dad ung phone." That's not all. They (my mom and my dad) kept blabbing all night about this, about that. That I'm this, and I'm that. That I shouldn't have done this, I shouldn't have done that. That I must do this, I must do that.

PARA AKONG BASAHAN. I felt so low... I even had to tiptoe to their room and use my mom's phone like a criminal trying to break away from prison to text somebody and apologize for what had just happened.

There are just too many crappy things going on in my life right now.

That is why I am thankful for people who have stayed and for the friends who have managed to bear with me. Not the one who pretends to be my friend, and even make an award-winning drama out of it, but in reality just wants to prove that he/she is better than me and makes his/her motive discreet by playing the role of a "friend" magnificently and almost unsuspectedly. But I've just unveiled your cover... thanks to my real friends who unknowingly provided me the checklist (not literally) for determining a real friend. And I think that you are not one of them. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Stop acting as if you really care or something.

I want to thank the following people:

III - Burbank: need I state the reasons for doing so?... hehe.. bsta, Mahal na mahal ko kayo.. :)

Ate M: for everything.. may next time pa naman for our bonding e.. mahal ko kaio ni jobel.. diyosas rule!

Kuya Omar: for always, and i mean ALWAYS, being there. I wouldn't know what to do pag wala ka.. lab u po.

Vincent: for the support.. and for the staying power. sorry for last night. wab u.

EJ: for all the fun and for the friendship.. :)

IV - Moseley: for being so nice to all of us.. for the fond memories sa YMCA... for the support sa Burbank.. for upholding delinquency.. role models!!! we love you all..

and lastly, but definitely most specially, to GOD: thank you for sending your son Jesus Christ to save us from all our sins. I love you Lord.

Kahit pala ganito ako, may konsensya pa rin.. at may Diyos na nagmamahal sa akin.. hay.. Thank you Lord.

BURBANK DOMINATION!!

2004-03-29T07:27:00.000-08:00

whew.. after decades, i finally found the time to post again.

Actually, "time" is not the sole factor that keeps me from posting as often as I did before. I can somehow relate to Kuya Jamie’s realizations about his blog and the art of blogging… There had been so many things going on in my life that needed to be posted, yet cannot be written. Do you get my point?! Oh, what’s the use?

Anyhow, I’ve come across my best friend’s blog awhile ago. These damned tears have forsaken me once again. My emotions have betrayed me. How much of a loser can one be?

I cannot believe that after all these years of wandering and learning, I have once again proven that I’m the sole person who cannot cross the Rubicon. Yes, the Rubicon, the Rubicon that has taught the wisdom of David and the bravery of Daniel. Once again, I have proven that sensible as I call myself, I am practically one of the most insensitive people I’ve ever known.

I’ve hurt my sister. Wait, “hurt” her may be an understatement. Constantly and consistently, but certainly unknowingly, I have been stabbing her delicate being. How many times have (have, because I know that it’s still enduring) I struck her with that knife? How many lashes have I gashed against her skin? Are the pains and losses that come with the lesion still bearable?

Answer: How the heck would I have an idea?! I’ve been too busy walking about the busy streets of life with III – Burbank and my fourth year friends that the thought of bringing along a treasured friend kept slipping my mind. Isn’t it pretty shameful for someone who calls herself a “friend”?

Tears had been silent witnesses on how I recognized my misdoings and negligence for our friendship, a friendship that has been sealed tightly by time and fortitude. Her loyalty and ready smile never fail to make my day. And yet, I just can’t seem to find the perfect way to let her know… To let her know that I’ve been keeping my predicaments out of fear of losing that smile.

Anyway, I am not going to rant about this all evening; I think enough has been said. I am going to talk to her tomorrow to clear things up… and to mend a deflated (or broken) heart.

“Will you still accept it even if the seal is already broken?”

What a night.

credit line: salamat sa aking panda para sa pag-edit nitong entry ko. astig!

kuya Omar, thanks for being there knina.. :) labshu po.

Hexad, for the concern.. mwah!

BURBANK, for everything.. domination!

2004-03-22T06:25:00.000-08:00

Artist : Maroon 5
Album : Songs About Jane
Title : This Love

I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied
Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same
Then turn around and leave again

This love has taken its toll on me
She said Goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore

I'll fix these broken things
Repair your broken wings
And make sure everything's alright
My pressure on her hips
Sinking my fingertips
Into every inch of you
Cause I know that's what you want me to do

I'm officially declaring this as my favorite song for the moment, though the only part of it that i can sing with much justice and conviction is the chorus ahehe..

And i'm dedicating this to my dear, dear kuia omee.. bsta, Ev0L is L0vE, L0vE is Ev0L... she'll soon realize that you deserve every bit of her - her eyes, her hands, her time, her smile, her trust, her heart. She'll soon realize that... Make her. :)

Hay... Ako... msyado na cguro akong matagal nang nasasaktan kaya ndi ko na msyado iniintindi... pero pg nkta mo na ung tao, bumabalik ung hapdi, nananariwa uli ung sugat nang nakaraan. Hay.

The challenge of love is fighting... fighting without knowing how to win. -=butterfly=-

2004-03-21T06:25:00.000-08:00

sori 4 da tyms ive let u down, sori if im not der if u nid me, sori 4 da tyms i turned my bak on u... im sori, but do u rily nid me 2 b der or im jaz pushin myself 2 u?!

I just don't know what to do anymore. Ever felt like being a good friend but you can't do anything for that person u call ur friend? Thay you're exeriencing this nostalgia of moving up and down the swift rollercoaster ride that slowly incapacitates your mind but surely brings back memories of promises "to be there for each other" no matter what?

How can you be there for someone so dear to you when he won't tell you what the hell is going on in his life? Ung tipong pudpod na ung daliri mo sa kakatext sa kanya at kakatype sa PM pero wala kang nkukuha ni "ha" ni "ho."

Maybe I'm overreacting. Or even expecting too much.

Either ways, all I know is that I'd be here for him whether he wants be to be here or not.

Siguro mababaw. Pero ang lalim sumugat.

It has always been like this anyway. Bakit ba hindi pa ako nasanay?
Bsta if u need me, and2 lng ako lagi. LAGI.

Jobel: salamat po sa iyo.. diyosa.
ATE M: diyosa.. thank you so much. wouldn't know what to do without u. thanks 4 bearing with me. luv u!

2004-03-19T01:39:00.003-08:00

Gemmie's anything goes:

@ for the record, i wanted to KILL somebody a while ago. i really wanted to squeeze "it" (i didn't consider him/her human at that moment) and then mutilate it and then... just that. Hay! Talk about self-control. Yep, I am proud to announce that I didn't do anything harmful with "it" yet. Take note, yet. "It" better stay away from me until I cool down. As you can see, "it" is so dear to me... Lalalalala...

@ i still can't seem to grasp the fact that time can beat Lydia de Vega... 'tis so fast that I didn't even notice it pass by. All that was left with me was the brisk gushing of wind slapping on my face, reminding me that 9 school months had already passed... Hay... I don't wanna leave Burbank... I really don't....

@ mga diyosa... (sickntired and Lg) hay... when will we go out together?... we need to shed the light of the diyosas to those out there who are unfortunate enough to miss out the powers that we have... :)

@ i still haven't passed a single requirement, except for my research (which, by the way, was finished in 45 minutes flat.) it would take a miracle for us (the whole lot of bHuRbZ) to be spared from the overflowing wrath of the teachers on monday... hay...

@ lastly, should i go watch the play about TAO (take note, HUMAN... in short... ndi ako makakarelate)

p.s. line of the millenium: "NAG-ORDERED LIST PA KAYO, WALA NAMANG KAORDERED-ORDERED!" (ordered daw o...) hahahaha...

"it hurts so much to know that i have fallen for someone who would just leave me hanging in the air... y? cause i've closed my eyes from reality that you never really loved me, you just cared..." -=butterfly=- (saket...)

ang lahat ay para parin sa kanya...

2004-03-19T01:39:00.000-08:00

Gemmie's anything goes:

@ for the record, i wanted to KILL somebody a while ago. i really wanted to squeeze "it" (i didn't consider him/her human at that moment) and then mutilate it and then... just that. Hay! Talk about self-control. Yep, I am proud to announce that I didn't do anything harmful with "it" yet. Take note, yet. "It" better stay away from me until I cool down. As you can see, "it" is so dear to me... Lalalalala...
@ i still can't seem to grasp the fact that time can beat Lydia de Vega... 'tis so fast that I didn't even notice it pass by. All that was left with me was the brisk gushing of wind slapping on my face, reminding me that 9 school months had already passed... Hay... I don't wanna leave Burbank... I really don't....

@ mga diyosa... (sickntired and Lg) hay... when will we go out together?... we need to shed the light of the diyosas to those out there who are unfortunate enough to miss out the powers that we have... :)

@ i still haven't passed a single requirement, except for my research (which, by the way, was finished in 45 minutes flat.) it would take a miracle for us (the whole lot of bHuRbZ) to be spared from the overflowing wrath of the teachers on monday... hay...

@ lastly, should i go watch the play about TAO (take note, HUMAN... in short... ndi ako makakarelate) on Sunday? Hmmm the only reason I have for considering the "Go!" answer is bUrBaNk... I wouldn't want to miss the good time that we would have on making lait (how conyo naman I am) of the cast. Hehehe... So again, the question is, should i go watch the play TAO? To vote, send VOTE your answer (YES, NO or BAHALA KA) to 4627 for Smart subscribers and 2366 for Globe subscribers.

p.s. line of the millenium: "NAG-ORDERED LIST PA KAYO, WALA NAMANG KAORDERED-ORDERED!" (ordered daw o...) hahahaha...

"it hurts so much to know that i have fallen for someone who would just leave me hanging in the air... y? cause i've closed my eyes from reality that you never really loved me, you just cared..." -=butterfly=- (saket...)

ang lahat ay para parin sa kanya...

2004-03-10T04:48:00.001-08:00

Ay grabe. Naiirita ako.

What a day! One of my most favorite teachers (read: I lied, I lied! hahaha) just gave this long, senseless and grammatical-error-infested speech during the cramming and precious minutes of the meeting. My God! And it all started because she allegedly caught me talking (read: dumadaldal) again. Like, hell. Whatever! Yah, I know that I am an extremely talkative person, but hell, I was like imitating my seatmate then and was, uh, yah, sort of talking with my friends discreetly, but certainly not dumadaldal.

Damn. After commenting on my behavior and stuff, she focused her entire attention to our section. Yep. Our very lovable section. You can check on the teachers about that. I have proof!! DO you know the Divine Proportion? (Basta. I guess this a hangover from excessive reading of the Da Vinci Code). Put it this way.. If you would ask all of our teachers (I believe that there are 12 of them) presently in third year and then make out the proportions, you would see that the proportion would be equal to PHI is to the rest of them. PHI, after all is equal to 1.618. In short, PHI likes us while the rest despise us. Guess who's the PHI? Ma'am Gaspar, I suppose. She has an extra .618 because we genuinely feel loved and understood whenever we are with her. We love you ma'am.

Going back... Right now, I really feel pissed off because of that teacher's ranting and blabbing, and mainly because I feel that the blame is on me. No, I don't hear my classmates saying it, but it is I myself who is giving myself that verdict.

Ah basta. I'll try to make it up with them... I don't even know how but I just feel ashamed. Oh well, which proves that I still have shame after all. haha..

Add to all these atrocities the pain that I'm feeling right in this spot on my left chest, inbetween my lungs and normally beats 70 per minute.. Yep.. My heart aches. Maybe its arms are aching because of extending all day, reaching out to another heart which never seemed to notice. Hehehe.. Maybe its feet are aching because of long standing in the rain, crying right under the pour, to hide the tears from most.. Or maybe, just maybe, its bones are aching because right now, it could be admitted to the Orthopedic Hospital... 'coz it keeps on trippin' and fallin, with no one down the steep hill to catch it.

"madalas kong icpn kung san ko ba ilulugar sarili ko sayo… o kung may lugar pa ba… kapag bibitaw na ko, drating ka at pinaparamdam mo na nanjan ka pa. O ngyn, darating ka pa ba? O bibitaw na ko…? " -=butterfly=-

P.S. SUBUKAN NILA KAMING PAGHIWA-HIWALAYIN, AND I'LL KILL MYSELF. BURBANK IS MY LIFE, MY FAMILY AND MY INSPIRATION. I'M SURE EVERYBODY ELSE FEELS THIS WAY. ITO NA NGA LANG MGA NILALANG NA ITO ANG MERON AKO SA BUHAY KO E, ILALAYO NIYO PA?! KAMI-KAMI NA LANG ANG NAGMAMAHALAN AT UMIINTINDI SA ISA'T ISA, PAGLALAYUIN NIYO PA?! PALIBHASA.. NDI NIO ALAM KUNG PAANO PAGKAISAHAN NG IBA AT MATUTONG UMASA NALANG SA SARILI NIO.. WE STUCK TOGETHER THROUGH THICK AND THIN.. AND NOW U'R PROPOSING THIS BULLSHIT?!
BURBANK DOMINATION PA RIN!

Ang lahat ay para parin sa kanya...

2004-03-09T04:37:00.001-08:00

Talk about third year life...

Hmmm... Now I realize that I've been so attached to my dear section Burbank that I have, somehow, neglected some of my other friends who have always been there for me - no matter what.

You see, my sophomore year was filled with conflicts and atrocities that have caused me to tuck it on a dormant spot in my brain. Actually, iii-BuRbAnK is mostly still comprised of my former classmates, but the atmosphere and spirit is really, really different. Here in Burbank, I found that comfort and love I've long been seeking for in my past sections. Even I cannot explain the mystery behind the laughs and tears that shields the home of our delinquency... Maybe, Bhurbz wouldn't have been Bhurbz if the Thales (astig!) people didn't come in. Bhurbz, really, is my second family. I think that my classmates feel the same way.... Room 208 is our home, our shelter.

Developing a bond amongst us Bhurbiez came hand in hand with my being oblivious to my other friends. Sad to say but as I was venturing my way with my classmates to our fantasy land of gimmicks, cram-study group sessions and get-away antics, I was also slowly but surely leaving my friends in the dessert where we promised to stick together no matter what...

I really feel so bad now that I'm realizing these things... Yeah, I won't lessen my love for and bond with Bhurbz but I sure do promise myself to give time to my friends as well. After all, friendship is a bridge between two pillars of stone... as long as one of the two still stands, the bridge still hangs... it may be dangling and astray... but at least it is there. Just right there.

To iii-BURBANK, I really would want to thank you for the wonderful friendship and love that you've shown me... Thank you for accepting me for who and what I am, and for not what you intend or hope that I would be... Even though there is a big possibility that I would be separated from you guys next year, you'll always be in my heart... (shet... umiiyak na ako...)... Plus, we'll still be seeing each other, right? :) (Obviously, since we'll still be attending the same school floating in the Batis ng Diwa...)...

Enough of this tear-jerker! Hehe... Bsta, right now, I am going to enjoy the rest of my stay in Burbank and have the time of my life with 31 of the most wonderful people I have met, and 31 of the most loving and real people I will ever meet in my entire existence...

Guess this is the end of my post for today... :)

***To Sam, Mina, James, MC, Gerdy, Kuya Lee Van and the others, thank your for everything.. I'll make it up to you guys...

***To Bench, Ron, Amelle, Gaile and Pouch, (HEXAD!!), you guys simply rock. I love you all!!

***To Burbank, continue the tradition of delinquence!! Dominate!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I, the butterfly, can't seem to find a way to fly...

Have you ever felt this way before? That you love a guy who looks at you the way he does with everybody else? That you've been waiting for him all this time but he simply doesn't care, or doesn't know? That you've been battling all the urges you have inside to tell him how much you love him but you simply can't? That though he thinks that you do not understand him, you still love him no matter if the world thinks that he's the greatest fool? That you love him simply because of who he is? That you would miss anything that smile which you think you once owned? That you are contented with just sitting down and listening about his recent heartache? That you could spend a lifetime loving this person? That your eyes fill with tears whenever he gets hurt? That you could change the whole world so that it won't hurt him anymore?
Because if you have never felt these...Then you won't understand me. -=butterfly=-

BURBANK DOMINATION!!!

2004-03-08T05:34:00.000-08:00

Bangag ako.

I barely slept last night... hmm.. I got to doze off for about 2 hours and 30 minutes before waking up and facing the tantrums of the day ahead. Oh Gosh. 4 tests.

Anyway, let's start with 1st period (make a guess.) As usual the teacher was all old and irritating. Haha.. I won't elaborate on this because I might get into trouble putting such stuff in my blog. I'd rather say all these when our class holds its open forum in the future..
English - as usual, hellish. Don't get me wrong, I like English. In fact, I love English. I just simply hate the teacher. Period.
Filipino. No Comment.
TW. I sometimes dig this subject because I passed the test without studying... It really pays to listen... (every once in a blue moon I guess..)
Lunch. Studying while eating isn't really a habit that I've developed or I'm planning to develop, but I guess I should train myself to make it a habit if I really want to pass third year..
Ad. Bio.. Next please.
Chemistry. Talk about being able to review for our upcoming tests for an entire period... Thank you...
P.E.. Oh please... Don't make me laugh.
Journalism Hail to Ms. Salonga!! She let us skip the summative test for today and allowed us to use her time (plus the room) to study for THE tests...
Social Studies Dandandanan... Haha.. We were all getting ready to take the 20-item quiz (which was originally 50-item, but thanks to the powers of some creatures from our planet, it was trimmed down to 20) when the speakerbox (yes.. that irritating, rusty, old speakerbox actually had a purpose...) loudly echoed the voice of somebody from the office, asking Ma'am Gaspar to proceed to the office right away... Hahaha... We cheered as if we had just won the French and Indian battle... To our dismay, however, Ma'am returned in a little while, all set to administer her quiz. darn...
Physics. (background: sounds of thunder) Don't ask. I probably didn't get even a single item correct.

Oh well, life goes on...

"Spread ur wings and prepare to fly, butterfly..."

tinanggalan ako ng FREEDOM OF SPEECH...

2004-03-07T03:45:00.000-08:00

Imagine watching What a Guy! whose main character (Eric) is a gay.

This day we went to UP Diliman to watch another triology by Freddie Guerrero. Actually we can say that we've been forced to watch because our beloved teacher made us choose between watching the trilogy and reading Jane Eyre. Anyone in hs normal state of mind would of course choose the former. We've been spared from reading the thick book plus the souveneir of making a book review or something, but it left us all with a gaping hole in the pocket. Yes, another precious 200 pesos for another trilogy. Oh well. That's the way it has always been anyway.

Going back to the trilogy. One good thing about it was that Mel Martinez (you know, the gay sister/brother of Maricel Soriano) was part of the cast. She/He was really good. I think she was the only respectable gay cast there... oh.. Our sides almost split because of laughing when this particular gay who looked like Chocolate (of Wazzup, wazzup daw) and who wore a dress that had high slits raised his/her legs and opened it widely for his underwear and underthighs to be exposed in air and for the whole theater to see! Imagine the scene. And the gay wasn't even attractive. NO. He didn't even lookhuman at all.

There's this sole female character who played the mother in two of the three plays, but we didn't notice that much because all the while we were thinking that she was the house maid... hahaha... And on the Wanted: A Chaperone, the mayordomo kept calling her Donya Petrang Kabayo! But really, it was not her appearance that irritated us all the more but her diction and way of delivering lines! Golly... and she is a stage actress for Pete's sake! hehehe...

Overall, we really had a good time laughing, mostly not because of the catchy lines that the actors were delivering but because of the actors themselves. If i were to rate this play from 1 to 5, I'd give it a 3.5.

Until tomorrow... Still have tons to do! Got 4 tests tomorrow. (quiz: tw, jounalism, 30-item quiz in social... summative test in physics.) Good luck.
hahaha...

***I would like to make a pubkic apology to my group mates in Pinoi nga pla 4 being such an irresponsible leader... Thank you for bearing with me for almost a year now. Pacencia na..***

2004-03-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

The Crippled Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening
appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled
to force it's body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any
progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no
farther. So, the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. But, it had a swollen body, and small
shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly, because he expected
that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to support the body,
which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of it's life crawling
around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.
What he had done in his well intentioned kindness and haste, what he did not
understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get
through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of
the butterfly into it's wings so that it would be ready for flight once it
achieved it's freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed
us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We
would not be as strong as we could have been.
And we could never fly.
Have a great day, a great life, struggle a little if you need to....
Then fly!

**** This story, by a certain Dr. Earl Reum, is very much true. I would comment on this further tomorrow, because right now I am really, REALLY sleepy and all drowsy that I'm actually wondering how the hell I am able to type right now. What am I doing?!

'til tomorrow..

2004-02-28T03:22:00.000-08:00

Allow me to share to you guys one of my all-time favorite songs:

"Out Of Reach"

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

This is just so applicable in my life. If you're thinking about the guy that I wrote about yesterday, you're wrong. It's just between me and sickntired.. :P

What a day!
This morning our class met at Paco Park to discuss on our play for Filipino, Noli Me Tangere. Meeting time was supposed to be 10:00, but by 10:30, there were only about 6 of us there. Well we just decided to go to McDonald's and eat sundaes... A good way to kill time while waiting for the others to arrive. After half an hour, we decided to go back to the park just in case someone arrives.
By about 11:10, I am proud to announce that we have reached a grand total of 12 people present! Wohoo! We started discussing on the possible scenes and used the stairs to the upper veranda of the park for our brainstorming session. There was a wedding reception going on at the moment so we chilled out a bit by mocking the gay host who sounded just like Diego (from Bubble Gang)... Hahaha.. And the bride was jumping like a toad after she had tossed her buquet to her maids... You could just imagine how she looked... Haha.. =)

We then had lunch at Robinson's ever popular Food Court, where their specialties are re-re-re-refried and re-re-re-regrilled food... We had a good time eating on the considerably tasty food (disregarding the myths of their existence). We also some of the MOSELEy (yehbeh!) people in the FC.. (Hello to u all!) After staying a couple of minutes in GBox, we went back to Paco to finish the scripts.

Honestly, I didn't really feel that this day's worth writing about because it is so dull... But I just had this urging to blog and so this day's entry's born.

"Doubt that the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love." ("Hamlet")

2004-02-27T03:44:00.000-08:00

"Everything You Want"

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

It's like this.
There are several butterflies in the garden. A butterfly-lover walks in, eagerly looking for a good butterfly. The man spent weeks, then months, with the butterflies in order to get to know them... one particualr butterfly grew very fond of him. The butterfly spent time with him, listened to his problems, cheered him on even if it sometimes sounded exaggerated. the man seemed to be happy as well anyway..
little did the poor butterfly know that "it" was being taken for granted because another butterfly, one which looked just like the man's best-loved butterfly who only appeared in his dreams, got the affection and sort of love that it wanted
what should the butterfly do?
should "it" tell the man?
"malay mo.. unlike the moth.. the butterfly will be treated in a "nicer" way.."- sickntired
the butterfly.. who had alwayse been second best.. or even third.. and so on.. also gets hurt.
and right now the butterfly is shedding tears for that man who walked unexpectedly into her life. that man whom it considered its "kuya." but the butterfly expected too much. and no one's.. or nothing.. is to be blamed but the butterfly itself.
see your "kuya" (who, by the way, you only call onein your heart and mind) standing over there with the real thing?
kaya nman ako'y nag-aamok.
and i can't help it.
bear with me.
p.s. thank you, sickntired, for bearing with me. you are one great friend. and thank you for filling in the void places that he left me with. words can't say enough of how much i am thankful for having u as an "ate." never had one, u know. God bless..

2004-02-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms...

HI everyone! The prom... THE PROM!!! it was great... really great! The quadrangle looked way, way nicer and the people around school seemed, uh, like prices and princesses.. waah..

THe prom was a total blast. The PTCC hired a band called Second Floor (I think they are from Malate). They were great! Parang concert... Everyone was jumping and dancing like mad people.. Some, (including I and some of the bHuRbZ) went up onstage to dance with the singers.. The teachers seemed to be shocked with the madness of the crowd.. But who cares?! It's our prom anyway!! =)

The best part was of course, the party thing. Aside from the funky upbeats, there were also some very good cuts of love songs. Lovers and friends alike slowdanced to the lovely songs... Hay.. Love was in the air talaga. The lyrics that I posted above was actually one of the most memorable songs of the night. It was played twice! One by the band and the other by the moblie. (NACOCONSCIOUS AKO SA GRAMMAR KO!! PERO WHATEVER... PAKI-CORRECT NALNG PO..)

This was also the song when my ex danced with me. It was our theme song kc when we were still together, and I was glad that he remembered. We're still friends.. =) Hmm....

My first dance naman for the night was my special friend (the one whom I've been talking about in my posts). The song was Through the rain, and that dance made the night simply a bliss. I'll miss this good friend of mine when he leaves..

My most memorable dance was with Kuya Omee. Honestly, he had already danced with some of my classmates so I thought that na hindi na niya ako isasayaw. I was watching him the whole time that he was dancing with them, and I can't help but get a bit sad and touchy.. Then we danced. Hehehe... He was telling me those things that I really needed to hear that night. Did I tell you that my night was filled with tears? I cried a lot that night, and when we danced, he said, "magpakatatag ka." Those were the only words that I needed, but that made me cry again. I will really miss this dear friend... and the other 4th year peeps who will be leaving MaSci this year.. The YMCA people, 4-Moseley, EJ, Vincent (Panda! :P), Lee Van, everyone.

Next year's prom won't be the same without these people, that's why I would treasure last Friday night's memories for the rest of my life.

Burbank Domination! =)

2004-02-16T03:53:00.000-08:00

Hay!!! My big day!! Happy Birthday to me!! Yahoo!!! wahahaha... :)

This day has been totally great. I woke up happy and alive for the first time since the year had started.. The sun seemed brighter, the wind felt nicer, people's faces seemed not-as-ugly (joke!) and all... I really am so thankful of tatay macky who gave me this really cute and a bit bulky stuff toy... It's not really the gift, but the thought that counts.. But I'm not implying that you shouldn't give me gifts, mind you! :)

Everything was in place, and everything and everyone was wonderful... Except that my dad is not around this special day with us. He has been touring the country since Friday, and I miss my dad so damn much. He called me up while we were on the car though, but it just made me miss him even more that my voice was quivering the whole time that we were conversing. This was the first time that my dad missed my birthday.... nakakapanibago... All my friends' gifts and greetings could cover up for my dad's place in the celebration of my 15th year of existence, but I guess I was still happy that they did care... I just wish daddy would come home soon and in time for our JS Prom...

...Which leads me to this question: Are you as psyched as I am? Whoa!!! Just 4 days to go... My dream date still hasn't asked me yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Thanks to everyone who remembered my birthday! To my friend (whom I've talked about yesterday... he had just greeted me a few minutes ago....), thank you! This day, really, had been filled with blessings from our Creator.

Thank you Lord for this wonderful day, and for the 15 years of magnificent life that youve bestowed upon my earthly body. Thank you for the gift of life, love and salvation... I love you Lord. Amen.

Just an announcement: Just today, Ron and Mark David cupped the gold in the Chemistry contest that they participated in. Congratulations! Keep it comin' man!

`Til here... Got lotza things to do pa... Peace out!

2004-02-15T05:28:00.000-08:00

Backgroung music: Incomplete - Sisqo

Bright Lights, Fancy Restaurants
Everything in this world that a man could want.
I got a bank account bigger than the law should allow
Still I'm lonely now
Pretty Faces from the covers of a magazine
From their covers to my covers wanna lay with me.
Fame and Fortune still can't find, just a grown man runnin' out of time

Chorus:
Though it seems I have everything
I dont wanna be a lonely fool
All of the women, all the expensive cars, all the money don't amount to you.
So I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see.
That without you girl my life is incomplete.

Listen.
Your perfume, your sexy lingerie.
Girl I remember it just like it was on yesterday.
A Thursday you told me you had fallen in love, I wasn't sure that I was.
it's been a year-Winter, Summer, Spring and Fall.
But being without you just aint livin' aint livin'at all
If I could travel back in time, I'd relive the days you were mine.

Repeat Chorus

I just can't help lovin' you
But I loved you much too late.
I'd give anything and everything to hear you say, that you'll stay

Even though it seems I have everything.
I don't wanna be a lonely fool.
All of the women, all of the expensive cars, all of the money don't amount to you.
(you can have it all) I can make believe I have everything, but I can't pretend that I don't see. (Just give me my baby)
That without you girl my life is incomplete.

Repeat Chorus

Hmmm actually this song never fail to remind me of him... He likes this song as much as I do, or probably even more... 'Tis just a simple song, and yet it sends butterflies all over my stomach, making me all dreamy and a romantic fool in an instant. What's in a song?

Anyway, this day has been great... really. Early this morning we went to church, at Bread of Life, and heard the word of God. (I actually go to church! Can you believe it?! hehehe.. ) The speaker came all the way from Switzerland together with this bunch of Swiss missionaries, and he shared about the history of Valentine's day (in much the same way that I did in my previous post)... Believe me, it wasn't that lively that I kept wishing that the Filipino pastor would soon take over. As lick might have had it, the pastor (the Pinoy one) soon took control of the podium and did his stuff. He shared this passage, Genesis 1:26-28 which, well, enlightened us on who really created love amongst men and women, kins, and peers - GOD. Praise the Lord, for his mercy endureth forever!

"Marriage often finds itself with a bald man on a table sitting across a fat lady." I just find this cool, and, well, true.

"Love roots from and is destined to follow only one explanation - eternity..." I find this quote to be soooo romantic... Oh well, I'm too young for things as destiny and eternity... but certainly not too young to love.

2004-02-14T20:45:00.000-08:00

Music: Dreaming of you by Selena

Happy hearts' day to everyone!... And to the singles out there (ahem!), as ate M put it, happy singles' awareness day!

Every February, all around the world, flowers, gifts, and chocolates are exchanged between love-struck people, be it among kins, friends or lovers... all in St. Valentine's name. Who is St. Valentine anyway? Let's have a little background check.

According to one legend, Valentine was a priest in Rome, 3rd Century, during the rule of Emperor Claudius II. The emperor outlawed marriage for young men, in a belief that single men make better soldiers than those who were married. Valentine, whe realized the prejudice of the rule, flouted the order and continued to perform marriage among lovers clandestinely. When his actions were discovered, however, Claudius put him to death.

Another story tells that Valentine must have actually been the first person to ever send a "valentine" message. When he was in prison, he fell in love with a girl who visited him during his detention. Before his death, as rumor has it, he left the lass a letter which he signed 'From your valentine.' And the rest is history.

So much for that. Believe me, this day had been pretty much ordinary for me. I woke up at exactly 12:30 pm, surfed the net for a while, then went to Rustan's for a shopping session with my mom. Though I actually taught myself to believe that I can be happy without a valentine, I still can't help but have a pipe dream.. I was with him, strolling together on Glorietta 4, walking with hands locked together, sharing a blissful romance under the wings of Cupid.. Everything was fine, UNTIL my inner voice told me to snap out of it. Oh well.. I'll be seeing him on Monday naman.. Hay.

Actually, there was something good that happened. This friend whom I've been missing for the past weeks messaged me (IRC) and we started conversing. I was cold the whole time, cold in a sense that my fingers were numb and that I was so tense. Nanibago lang siguro ako. I missed this friend so much, so it was really a blessing from up above for us to be able to talk again (well at least, on IRC).

Hope you guys had a nice, love-filled hearts' day! :)

P.S.: I am actually wishing that he would log in and chat on the IRC... but the thing is, I also think that he's too exhausted to be able to do anything other than to sleep.. (bHuRbZ, nakakarelate ba kayo? hit me back..)

2004-02-12T05:03:00.000-08:00

Song: Anyone can see by Anna Fegi

If I could I'll try to know you
I would never let you go
Anyone can see what you mean to me
Anyone would know my love is there
waiting just for you..

On the night that you left me
I cried wishing you would stay, stay
Maybe I don't have much chance to tell you
I need you so, I guess you'll never know

Anyone can see what you mean to me
What you mean to me
Anyone can tell I feel for you so easily

Anyone can see...

This day's just like any ordinary day, except for the fact that the monster struck again... but I'm not just about to talk about her again, for the simple reason that I did not create this website for her and her half-wittedness.
I thought that everything would be ok until the day ends, but luck doesn't favor me that much. I really don't wanna talk about the incident which ruined my "perfect" day, but until now, I still can't quite get things straight. This was not the first that I've really grown to like someone, but somehow, its a first for me to get so affected by my peer's teasings.
Whatever... bsta, the moral lesson of the story? Never, ever let anyone know about how you feel... But really, that would be a toughie for me. I am a very public person, in a sense that the entire class and even some of my other friends know about my thoughts, feelings and stuff. Why do I always have this feeling that I should share my happiness and feelings to others for me not to burst with emotions that I keep on suppressing?
Note: I do tolerate other people's teasings, but for Pete's sake, it depends on the one who's doing the act. Teasing among friends is actually enjoyable and even justifiable, so now I feel a bit guilty for overreacting a while ago. I muttered a cuss word which might have offended a friend.. (ei berdflu, if by chance you're around, my apologies again...)
Anyway, what has been done has been done. Nothing could be done to change it. As for me, I have decided to just avoid this guy that I like, in a very desperate wish that by doing so, the issue would eventually die down. I do not know if this is the right thing to do, but this is all that I can think of right now. Anyone out there who can help me?
Hit me back...
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Courage? Why does it work for me the other way?
Wait... my heart and mind are actually having a dispute over this: am I in love? I hope not... because if I was... I am in a very, VERY big trouble.
Damn it.

2004-02-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

Song for the day: Bring me to life (by Evanescence)

I really am very proud of my dad, who is a great journalist and my personal hero. I grew up seeing him fight for the rights of underprivileged people, and risking his life in the process. I wonder if someday I could be like him.
Well anyway, today has been like any other day except that I had an encounter with the Missing Link. Yes, she actually provoked me to a point that I answered her back. Imagine comparing us with the other section? (Name of section withheld upon request… joke. Just make a wild guess) She kept on telling us, and mind you, she would never, ever let us forget that “that” section is better, more behaved and basta better. After delivering what had seemed to be her worst speech ever, the room became filled with annoyed faces and clenched fists ready to beat her up. But why, o why on earth did she single me out for making a face? Oh well maybe because I am sooooo biiiig. I was mad and I knew that when provoked, I can actually kill her. Wait... "kill" is not the right word... try "torture," "mutilate" or "salvage." So I just told her that I had something to say but I’d rather not say it for she might get hurt. Okay, SHE REALLY WOULD BE HURT. Which is like, marvelous… but no matter how many times we’ve been tempted to give this monkey a taste of her own medicine, we were also held back by this basic virtue that she never knew or have never shown to others: RESPECT.
I guess there would be a Part 2 tomorrow… But we would never let her insult us and the others again. We’ve had too much!
They say that we should love our enemies… Would anyone please teach us how to love this creature we truly despise?
That would be all for now.

2004-02-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

This is actually my first time to blog and I can say that I am kinda nervous and excited at the same time. Hmmm I've though of blogging for quite some time before deciding on it... I really don't think that I have the time to post everyday but still, I wanted to try it. Kuya Jammy's and Kuya Omar's blogs actually inspired me in such an undefinable way that I decided to do my own. So much for the history of my blog.
Today’s classes followed the Friday schedule, meaning that the day would be cut at about 1:40 in the afternoon. Faculty members would be discussing about the new grading system, we were told. Oh well, let’s hope that our administration comes to its senses and realize the stupidity of the whole idea. Anyhow, the day continued as any other day for Burbank. As always, Burbank was mentioned in the flag ceremony, because aside from holding the title of the last students to descend their thrones in order to attend the much-dreaded flag ceremony, we are extremely talkative during the solemn (whatever) daily ritual.
I also came to realize that the flag ceremony is just another routine for us students. We pray, sing the Lupang Hinirang, recite the Pledge, and then sing the chart-topping hit Batis ng Diwa. It is just so dull. I have nothing against the ceremony but can’t we do better? Maybe we should get back to the old days wherein flag-raising ceremonies were held every Monday. They really can’t blame us students for the not-so-respectful (well at least the Officers of the Day think so) behavior we portray. Why don’t we trade places? Try singing and reciting the same songs and words every single day of the school-week and see for yourself the nostalgic feeling that builds up inside us. Having the observance everyday really doesn’t help but even impair students’ anticipation for a supposed weekly flag ceremony. Come to think of it.
That’s all for now…